An American Carol Page #3

Soldiers Against Guns?

No. Those guns come in handy

when we do fight.

The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Brigade?

No, uh, please.

I'm just here looking for my uncle.

His name is... Oh.

- Uncle Michael, hey.

- Huh? Josh?

Hey. This is my... nephew.

Josh. He's, uh...

What are you doin' here?

I came here to invite you

to our Fourth of July barbecue,

like I do every year.

Well, that's very nice of you... again,

but I'm a little busy here.

"Abolish July 4th." Are you kidding?

This is no joke.

Why should I celebrate a country

that's caused oppression and terror

all over the world?

Is that how he felt?

He was a war hero.

P. T. 109.

He would've come around.

If he were alive today,

this Sunday, he'd be

marchin' with us in solidarity.

Uncle Michael, I realize

how strongly you feel,

- but Lily and I just...

- [mice squeaking]

We won't be going too late.

A lot of our guests are going

to the Trace Adkins concert.

- Who's Trace Adkins?

- I'm good.

He's a big country music star.

Maybe not in New York,

but in the rest of the country.

Country music doesn't speak to me.

Not just because the music's awful

or the lyrics are stupid,

or everybody dresses like that cowboy

from the Village People.

- How's little Billy?

- Timmy.

Not very well, I'm afraid,

but he's got great spirit.

- He'd love to see you.

- Well, maybe I'll stop by next week.

It'll probably be too late.

- Oh, little Jimmy.

- Timmy.

No. He'll probably

still be around, but...

I'm shipping out to

the Persian Gulf Sunday night.

Well, can't you get out of it?

I want to go. It's my duty.

I don't get it.

How can you be related to me?

Mr. Malone, your 1:00 is here

with people from Abolish The Military.

Well, I guess I got some work to do.

Well, you're invited

in case you change your mind.

Right. Sure.

Uncle Michael, I came

here in good spirits,

and I don't want to let

anything change that.

Happy Fourth of July, everyone,

and God bless America!

[Josh] My country,

'tis of thee

Sweet land of...

Liberty

Lighted up by the rockets

in the air...

- [kids shouting]

- Grandpa, get back to the story!

I've never left it.

[Jazz music playing]

I'm meeting my agent, Todd Grosslight.

Oh, yes.

I'm sorry, sir, but gentlemen

are required to wear a jacket.

Look, don't you know who I am?

I'm Michael Malone.

Well, then perhaps a shower as well.

What the hell? I didn't make

the top 10? That's impossible!

Apparently, the people who like

your movies don't actually go to movies.

No one wants to see Americans

screwed by foreigners, except in porn.

I haven't done porn in years!

- [Music stops]

- [Nervous chuckle]

- Anyway, I'm an Oscar-winning director.

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