An American Carol

[Man] 1, 2, 3...

[ Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet Home Alabama]

[Children laughing and shouting]

[Kids] Hi, Grandpa!

Hey!

- Ahh!

- [Girl] Grandpa, over here!

Oh!

- Hey, hey, hey!

- [Kids] Grandpa!

Everybody now, happy Fourth of July!

Thanks, Grandpa!

That's it, go ahead, kids.

Dig in. I made 'em myself.

- Bleh!

- Blech!

[Grandpa] Pretty good.

How's that taste there, Timmy?

Uh, I'm not really hungry right now.

Why don't you tell us a story?

- Yeah! One of your great stories!

- Yeah, one of your stories!

All right, how about the one

that you kids always love?

- The, uh... the story of Scrooge.

- Scrooge?!

- The guy who hated Christmas?

- That's dumb.

Well, uh, sort of, but this Scrooge

hated the Fourth of July.

Why does he hate the Fourth of July?

Well, uh, the story begins

high on a mountaintop,

far away in Afghanistan.

[Arabic music playing]

- Mohammed?

- [All] Yes, sir?

Quiet! Calm down!

- They're all named Mohammed, sir.

- Yes, of course.

I must remember to use last names.

- Hussein!

- [All] Yes, sir?

For God's sake, you!

- [Aziz] Is that your brother?

- Hussein?

Why is he voting?

It's not his fault.

He is the campaign manager.

- What? For who?

- Mohammed Hussein.

- [All] Yes, sir!

- Quiet!

All right, everyone.

Well, who's going to be the first?

I am.

Ah, very good. Very good.

And what is your name, young man?

- Mu...

- Forget it. Mount up.

- Allahu Akbar.

- What exactly did I volunteer for?

Messenger duty.

Excellent pay.

But, sir, this bicycle...

- What's wrong?

- Well, it's kind of rickety.

I don't know if it can

get back up the hill.

I wouldn't worry about that.

- Maybe if I take some bombs off...

- No, no, no.

- It is a part of the uniform.

- Ah.

[Brake handles squeaking]

And it doesn't seem

to have any brakes.

It's OK.

Allah will stop you.

Of course.

Oh, yeah, Allah will stop me.

Aah!

Aah!

Oh!

Jesus!

You! Go get him.

- [Moaning]

- I found the problem, sir!

This idiot forgot to pull the firing...

[Ahmed] Don't you see?

We have at least destroyed

an infidel's car.

That was my car.

[Aziz] What's going on here?

Huh? What are you people doing?

Why are you voting

in this infidel election?

Because we want democracy,

freedom, elect a president

who will be accountable.

Enough! Mohammed, take care of him!

Mohammed, what in the name

of Allah are you doing?

I'm not voting for president. But I feel

strongly about Proposition 12.

A marriage should be

between a man and a woman.

Or between a man

and a really good-looking man.

- Shut up.

- This is what you vote for?

That and immigration.

We need a guest worker program

so that the Mexicans can do the job

the Taliban won't.

[Mariachi music blaring on radio]

These Western ideas are dangerous.

We must resist them at every turn.

Leader, we're not strong anymore.

Since the Americans came,

people have hope.

- They are voting, woman own businesses.

- Yes, it is getting harder

to find suicide bombers,

and all the good ones are gone.

Sir, I think we might need

a new recruitment video.

Look, ours...

it looks, you know, cheap.

[Announcer] This video will teach you.

Here are Ahmed and Ahman.

They may be brothers,

but they couldn't be more different.

Ahmed knows punctuality is important.

He's sure to leave plenty of time

to get to his bombing site.

[Ahmed screaming, indistinct]

[Announcer] Ahman leaves

everything to the last minute.

[Ahman] Oh, shit!

[Announcer] Ahmed double checks

the address of the site

so there are no mistakes.

Ahman doesn't.

Shit!

[Announcer] Ahmed dresses properly,

Rate this script:(0.00 / 0 votes)