Americans in Bed Page #5

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is the way it worked

for me.

Deanne dated whoever

was the guy

that made the touchdown

that week.

Ha ha ha!

I got this award.

It was called

the PT Award--

"Prick Teaser Award"--

because I was probably

the only virgin

that graduated

from that school.

I still was a virgin.

Proud of that.

Ahem.

Ha ha ha!

No, excuse me.

Just--my throat

was stuck.

Yeah, don't--

It was pure

coincidence.

No commentary

intended.

Better not.

We hooked up

on Classmates.

The last time he saw me,

I was slim,

trim, beautiful,

16 years old,

and the last time

I saw him, he was...

wrinkleless--

ha ha ha ha!

What?

Without wrinkles.

Uh-huh. OK.

Ha ha ha ha!

So we tried to describe

each other, and of course,

we totally lied

over the phone,

and--ha ha!--so...

he told me that he had

been in construction,

so I was expecting

this big, burly guy to

come out, down, you know.

So I see him walking

down the pathway,

and it's like...

"Hmm.

God, he's really old."

Ha ha ha ha!

That was my first thought.

What was your first thought

when you saw me?

That you were big.

Ha ha ha!

There's no hiding it.

I mean, you had

described yourself

and done a pretty good

job, but that's--

you know, so, I mean,

I wasn't expecting

the 16-year-old that I--

I wasn't

expecting that, no,

so I wasn't

necessarily surprised,

and that was fine.

LEON:
As of today's date,

we've broken up 26 times

and gotten back

together 27.

Yeah.

At least--well, we've

gotten together 27.

We've gotten back

together 27.

That's right.

His fault.

The hell it is.

Ha ha!

When things are good,

they are very, very good,

and when they are bad,

they are horrid.

Yeah, that's right.

That's right.

We can have

ultimate highs

and ultimate lows.

It's like being

bipolar.

Ha ha! We have

a bipolar relationship.

To be honest, though,

I think--and like I said

earlier, one of the reasons

I didn't get back together

with Blanca--

Is 'cause he thought

I was bipolar.

No, I don't think

you're bipolar, but--

Schizophrenic.

No, getting warmer.

Both.

You got me checked.

I'm a happy kind

of guy.

I tend to be very happy,

I love my life.

Be happy.

Things are going

really well.

But, you know, normally,

on a scale of one to ten

for happiness

in my general life,

I tend to be at least

a 7, maybe an 8.

When I'm with Blanca,

sometimes I'm a 10,

but then,

when things are bad,

they can go all the way

down to zero.

And that kind

of roller coaster of

emotions is no fun,

especially because

it wasn't something that

I felt I was doing wrong.

It was just situations

would come up and we weren't

communicating properly.

We just weren't,

and there were so many

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