American Pie Page #6

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KEVIN:

You ever hear of something called The

Bible?

OZ:

Once, in church, dude.

Jim is paging through Great Falls' equivalent of the LA

Weekly.

JIM:

Ooh, here's an easy one: "Attractive

SWF, fun loving and a youthful mind

seeks outgoing companion."

Okay..."Attractive"...ugly.

OZ:

"Fun loving" -- insane.

KEVIN:

Unlisted age, plus "youthful mind,"

equals old.

JIM:

No, "Charming" is old. "Older" is

really old. "Youthful mind" is dead.

FINCH:

Perhaps you should consider actually

answering an ad.

JIM:

Finch, you can be the one to date a

nearly-dead insane chick. Eat your

damn imitation hot dog.

FINCH:

("for the hundredth time")

This is no imitation. Removing the

hot dog from the Ultradog yields a

better dog. Behold -- Ultradog, no

dog.

Finch displays the cross-section on his hot dog. It's

all condiments. The guys react with rehearsed offense.

KEVIN:

(checks his watch)

Alright...I'm shooting for a nine

o'clock ETA. Beer in hand by five

after.

JIM:

You can crash at Stifler's?

KEVIN:

It's all good.

(He pulls out some gum)

Breath check.

He hands out a stick of gum to each guy, automatically

skipping Finch, who pulls out a small, hotel-bottle of

Scope. Gargles with it. Spits it into his drink cup.

OZ:

(repulsed)

Dude, I wish you wouldn't do that.

KEVIN:

You got something up your sleeve for

tonight, Finch?

FINCH:

A foolproof plan, my friend. You

shall see.

Oz has tuned into the song in the background -- "Blinded

by the Light" [the original Springsteen version, not the

Manfred Mann remake].

OZ:

(sings along)

And little hurly-burly came by in her

curly-wurly, and asked me if I needed

I ri-hide --

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