American Pie

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INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

PAN across details in a bedroom...we see discarded

shirts...pants...socks...and hear

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)

Oooh, yeah. Oh, baby, you're so good.

JIM (O.S.)

Yeah, I'm the best, baby.

Now we see a TV...but the picture isn't clear. Or, more

appropriately, the picture is scrambled -- it phases in

and out. Bars scroll across it. And we get occasional

glimpses of what looks like --

JIM (O.S.)(CONT'D)

...oh -- that was a tit, tits...

As most high-school guys know (but few will admit), it is

possible to watch the pay channels while they're

scrambled. You just need a decent imagination to fill in

the rest of the picture. We PULL BACK to see JIM -- 17,

short, horny.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)

Give it to me! Yes!

JIM:

Oh yeah, baby, I'll give it to you.

Jim is, uh, physically involved with the scrambled babe.

We TILT DOWN to see a small multimedia presentation next

to Jim on his bed. "Cosmopolitan" is open to a sexy

model...a yearbook is open to the "girl's swim team"

section...and a dictionary next to Jim, open to the

"Vagina" listing, accompanied by a big vagina diagram.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)

Don't you love my sexy body?!

JIM:

I do, baby, I do.

He frantically looks around...and grabs a tube sock off

the floor.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)

You're so big!

JIM:

Yeah, that's right.

PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)

(deep macho voice)

Ohhh, tell me you're a nasty girl!

Jim is thrown off.

PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)(CONT'D)

Yeahhh, you been bad, real bad!

JIM:

Man, shut up!

Suddenly there's a KNOCK at the door, immediately after

which JIM'S MOM enters. Jim scrambles and quickly covers

himself and the dictionary with a pillow. She's

oblivious to his doings.

JIM'S MOM

Hey, Jimmy. I just wanted to say

sweet dreams.

JIM:

Yep, okay Mom, 'night.

JIM'S MOM

(leans in to Jim)

Kiss goodnight.

Jim is revolted. Very reluctantly he gives her a kiss.

She turns to leave, and notices the TV.

JIM'S MOM (CONT'D)

Is something wrong with the reception?

JIM:

Yeah. Damn cable. There's this

nature show that I'm trying to watch.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)

F*** me! Yes!

JIM:

Uh...

He hurriedly tries to change the channel with the REMOTE,

but instead the VOLUME GOES UP.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)

BLOW YOUR WAD ON MY TITS!!

Jim panics as his mom reacts, shocked.

JIM:

(choking)

Must...be...broken...

JIM'S DAD enters.

JIM'S DAD

What the heck is this?

JIM:

Nothing!

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