All American Christmas Carol Page #5

I CANNOT LINGER ANYWHERE. -SPEAK COMFORT TO ME, JACOB. -I HAVE NONE TO GIVE.

-MOM. -I CANNOT REST. I CANNOT STAY.

-SHH. -I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. -CAN YOU JUST HOLD IT, BUDDY? -THE DOCTOR SAID NOT TO HOLD IT. -HE HAS TO GO, HE HAS TO GO. -REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED

AT THE AQUARIUM? -SHH.

-YES, I REMEMBER. -DON'T SHUSH ME. GO. -I-I WASN'T. -THAT'S WHY

I'M THE BETTER PARENT. [ ENGINE REVS ] -REMATCH!

I'M CALLING A REMATCH! -[ SIGHS ] [ ZIPPER UNZIPS ] -[ Singsong voice ]

OH, TIMMY. -AAH!

AAH! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME! -COME ON, PEEPERS.

MAYBE YOU'LL LIKE IT. -I DON'T LIKE URINAL CAKES! -HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU HAVEN' EVEN TRIED IT? -NO! [ SCREAMING ] -YOU TWO, COME HERE! YOU LIKE BEING KICKED

IN THE NUTS? NO? NO? -HOW ABOUT YOU?

-NO. -I THINK YOU LIKE BEING KICKED

IN THE NUTS. HUH, TIMMY?

WANT TO GIVE HIM A NUT PIE? KICK HIM AS HARD AS YOU CAN!

GO ON! -[ GROANS ] -OOH-HOO-HOO! COME ON, PEEPERS. BYE, LADIES.

-YOU'RE DEAD, YOU LITTLE RUNT! -TIMMY. LISTEN. I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD MENTION

THIS TO YOUR MOTHER, OKAY? BUT GOOD JOB IN THERE! -I KICKED SOME BUTT, RIGHT? -UH, YOU KICKED SOME NUTS! COME ON. -HEY. -WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? HARLEY WAS LOOKING FOR YOU. -I'M HERE. WHAT?

I'M JUST A LITTLE LATE. -YOU MISSED THE WHOLE PLAY. -I DID?

-YEAH. -THE CREDITS ROLLING? -NO.

-[ SCOFFS ] -"ARE THE CREDITS ROLLING"? YOU HAVE TIME TO POP YOUR HEAD

BACK OUT OF THE BACK SEAT. SHE SMELLS LIKE

MY UNCLE'S CAMPER. -WHAT DID THAT SMELL LIKE?

-LIKE BEER. LIKE BEER AND SORROW. -COME ON. LET'S GET THE CAR. -[ SIGHS ] GOODNESS. -HEY, WEGMAN,

YOUR MOM'S FINALLY HERE. -HOW DO YOU KNOW? -'CAUSE THE SMELL OF BOOZE AND USED CONDOMS

JUST FILLED THE AIR. [ LAUGHTER ] OH, WAIT -- SHE'S NEVER EVEN

USED A CONDOM BEFORE. -HEY! THERE YOU ARE! YOU WERE GREAT! -HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? -HUH? OH. DIDN'T YOU

HEAR THE APPLAUSE? EVERYONE LOVED YOU! -YEAH, I HEARD IT. BUT I DIDN'T SEE YOU, MAMA.

YOU MISSED IT. -COME HERE.

GIVE ME A HUG. I PROMISE I'LL BE

AT THE NEXT ONE, OKAY? -I'LL SEE YA. -HEY!

YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE FAMILY. THAT'S THE RULES, HARLEY. [ SIGHS ] [ SCOFFS ]

YOU GOT A LOT OF NERVE, SHOWING UP HERE LATE

FOR YOUR BOY'S SHOW. -YEAH. WELL, HE COULDN'T HAVE SEEN ME

IF I CAME. I'M DEAD ON EARTH, REMEMBER? BESIDES...I'M ENLIGHTENED. -[ SCOFFS ] ENLIGHTENED? -WELL, THERE'S A WHOLE LOT OF

COOL STUFF ABOUT BEING A GHOST, BUT THE ENLIGHTENED PART,

WELL, THAT'S A B*TCH. I MEAN, TRUST ME,

IT'S A WHOLE LOT BETTER NOT KNOWING NUTTIN'

ABOUT NUTTIN' -- KIND OF LIKE THE WAY YOU LIVE. -YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF YOU'RE HERE TO HAUNT ME, JUST GET ON WITH IT. -WHY?

'CAUSE RANDY'S IN TOWN, AND YOU'RE SNEAKING AROUND

SO YOU CAN GET BUSY? RANDY AIN'T GONNA FIX

YOUR PROBLEMS. YOU GOT TO FIX THEM YOURSELF. AND I'M HERE TO GIVE YOU

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes