All American Christmas Carol Page #4

BYE, AUNT CINDY. BYE, RATTAIL RANDY. -BYE, PEEPERS. WELL...GUESS WE SHOULD

GO LOOK AT HIM. COME ON. EW. DANG.

NAILED HIM RIGHT IN THE EYEBALL. WHEW. WELL, HE WOULD'VE

WANTED IT THIS WAY. -SHOOT, YEAH, HE WOULD.

[ BEER CAN TAB SNAPS ] -HE DID ALWAYS SAY THAT FUNERALS SHOULD BE MORE LIKE

A GOING-AWAY PARTY. AND IT'S CHRISTMAS,

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! -GO FIGURE --

HE ONLY BOUGHT A SIXER. -HE'S COLD. -NAH. THAT'S THE ICE. COOLER SPRUNG A LEAK. SIP? -I DON'T DRINK. -YOUR LOSS. -ALL RIGHT.

Y'ALL TAKE YOUR SEATS. [ BULLHORN CRACKLES ] DEARLY BELOVED, WE ARE GATHERED HERE TO BID

FAREWELL TO OUR FRIEND. JACOB ATE, BREATHED, SLEPT,

AND DIED A PAINTBALLER. SADLY, HE TOOK ONE FINAL

PAINTBALL TO THE EYE, PUSHED IT SO FAR BACK

INTO HIS BRAIN, HE HEMORRHAGED. DAMN FOOL NO WEARING HIS GOGGLES. HEY, AND LET THIS

BE A REMINDER TO YOU -- ALWAYS WEAR YOUR GOGGLES, WHICH WE PROVIDE COMPLIMENTARY

HERE AT NO GUNS NO GLORY PAINTBALL AND FUN PARK. OH, AND DON'T FORGET TO GET YOUR 10%-MERCHANDISE-OFF

COUPONS ON YOUR WAY OUT -- GOOD THROUGH

THE ENTIRE HOLIDAY SEASON. JACOB MARLEY, IN YOUR HONOR, WE ARE DEDICATING OUR NEW AFGHANISTAN FIELD OF BATTLE

TO YOU, BROTHER. NOW RAISE 'EM AND SHOOT, BOYS. [ SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYS,

GUNS POPPING ] -OKAY, HONEY.

[ SIGHS ] SO, I'M GONNA -- UH, I'M GONNA

GO FOR A RIDE WITH RANDY. I JUST NEED TO FEEL

THE WIND IN MY HAIR AND MOURN THE LOSS

OF YOUR DEAD DADDY, OKAY? -UM, OKAY, BUT... -WHAT? WAYNE, YOU TAKE CARE

OF HIM FOR ME? -SURE, CIND, BUT I CAN MOURN

WITH YOU IF YOU WANT. -YOU'RE SO SWEET! YOU'RE SO SWEET. BUT YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW HIM

LIKE RANDY AND I DID. -UM, MOM. ARE YOU GONNA MAKE IT BACK

IN TIME FOR MY PLAY TONIGHT? -YOU'RE IN A PLAY TONIGHT? -YEAH, I'M PLAYING SCROOGE'S

NEPHEW IN "A CHRISTMAS CAROL." MAMA, I TOLD YOU ABOUT IT. -OH! YES! JUST KIDDING! OF COURSE I'M GONNA BE

AT YOUR PLAY TONIGHT. -OKAY. -THAT'S A PROMISE --

I WILL BE THERE. -I LOVE YOU, MAMA. -OH, BABY, I LOVE YOU. [ MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVVING ] OH, MAN, I AIN'T NEVER

SEEN HER SOBER ALWAYS WITH A DRINK

IN HER HAND -[ SPITS, LAUGHS ] SO, UH, YOU GET THE KIDS

ANYTHING GOOD FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR? -I'M SURE WAYNE WILL. -SO YOU'RE REALLY GONNA MARRY

THE WAYNER? -WELL, YOU AIN'T STEPPING UP. BESIDES, YOU DON'T MAKE

A GOOD FATHER FIGURE. -[ SCOFFS ] AND YOU'RE THE PRIZE

PICTURE OF MOTHERHOOD. [ LAUGHS ] -WELL, IF I GET ONE MORE,

I MAKE $100. -WELL, YOU BETTER GET I IN THERE, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT I GE IF I WIN? I TAKE YOU OVER TO THAT TABLE AND JUST SPANK YOU

LIKE A BAD CHICKEN. [ CHUCKLES ] -MM. LOOKS LIKE I WIN

EITHER WAY. [ SNAPS FINGERS ] WHOO! -I WEAR THE CHAIN

I FORGED IN LIFE. I MADE IT LINK BY LINK

AND YARD BY YARD. I CANNOT REST. I CANNOT STAY.

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