Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife Page #6

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The baby is just born into childcare.

I want to be Mexican in my next life.

Don't nobody have more fun than Mexicans.

I used to live at Crenshaw and Pico,

yes, if you don't know,

Crenshaw and Pico is this magical corner

in the hood of Los Angeles

where Guadalajara meets Korea...

And the Mexicans and the Koreans

are in constant racial warfare,

and their weapons are loud music

versus frowning.

Mexicans know

how to prioritize family and fun.

They take their kids to Disneyland

all the time.

And now to accommodate,

there is all of this Spanish

at Disneyland.

Every ride begins with,

"Ladies and gentlemen, for your safety

please keep your arms and hands

inside the vehicle at all times.

Damas y caballeros, por favor

mantengan las manos y los Brazos

dentro Del coche,

and please do not smoke...

Because it is gross and dangerous, okay?

And employees must wash hands

before returning to work.

Okay, be careful. Be very careful.

Cos tongue taco, son of a b*tch, apple!

Late at night

When all the world is sleeping

Yes, that's how Mexican

Disneyland has gotten,

they play Selena

on Pirates of the Caribbean.

The Haunted Mansion is now called

Dia de los Muertos!

And what was formerly known

as Splash Mountain

is now Esplash Mountain.

Our nanny is 62 years old.

Yes, I would never accept anything younger

than 62 years old.

If you are hiring a 25-year-old

pretty young thing to be your nanny,

you a dumb-ass.

Do you not read People magazine?

You don't know what's up?

That's inviting a marriage grenade

into your home.

When you have a newborn baby,

your marriage is very weak

because you're both stressed out,

you look like sh*t

'cause you don't shower no more,

you're resentful of each other,

whose idea was it to bring

this new roommate into the world?

Your marriage is very vulnerable and easy

for an outsider to invade and colonize.

If we had hired a 25-year-old man,

who was...

not ugly...

Great with my daughter

and said yes immediately

to every chore I asked him to do

with a positive attitude,

Oh, you best believe

that I would eat the sh*t

out of his butthole.

Every day.

Every day would be an all-day

nanny butthole buffet.

I don't care

if his 25 year old butt cheeks

got all nervous

and clenched up and closed on my face

like elevator doors,

I would get in there and...

Like Jack Nicholson in The Shining!

A lot of people also often ask me,

"Ali, what on Earth do your parents think

about your stand-up comedy?"

Now that's a very racilly-charged

question, right?

Like, what they're really asking is,

"What do your oppressive Asian parents

who beat you with the SAT book

until your fingers bled

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