Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife Page #5

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You can't litigate like that.

Ain't no Spanx gonna tuck that sh*t in.

I told her all of that too,

and she started laughing more.

And, you know, she was like,

she was pinching

and she was pressing,

and repressing the laughter

and it got to be too much,

and then all of this gas

gurgled up in her system,

and she let out this fat-ass queef

that dried out my eyeballs.

I was like...

Oh!

Ah!

Oh!

Eeee.

Ah. Ah. Ah.

Many benefits to a C-section, okay?

Catheter, I had never had a catheter in my life. A

catheter is a tube that they hook up to your pee-pee hole,

and you just lie there...

And then all of a sudden, this bag of piss

shows up next to your bed.

And then this kind Filipino lady

named Joyabelle Esperanza

Purificacion Santo Domingo Ordonez Balasa

comes in to take it out.

And you're like,

"Nurse Joyabelle, whose piss that?"

And she's like, "That's yours."

And you're like, "Oh my God, that's mine?"

I did not even feel it go out.

The catheter, it just carries it out.

And I was like, "Oh my God,

in my life I could have accomplished

so much more

had I had a catheter attached to me

this entire time."

A lot of people like to ask me,

"Ali,

how on Earth do you balance

family and career?"

Men never get asked that question...

because they don't.

They just neglect the child

for like 90% of the day,

and that's perfectly socially acceptable,

but the standards for dads are so low

that they get so much praise

for doing so little.

My husband occasionally changes diapers,

and when people hear that,

"Oh my God," confetti everywhere!

"I cannot believe

that your husband changes diapers!

What a doting modern father. Lucky you!"

When my baby girl was first born,

I would do skin-on-skin contact every day

to bond with her.

She sh*t on my chest.

Where's my confetti at?

I'll tell you how I balance

family and career, real talk?

I have a nanny.

That's it, that's the answer.

Yes, it's very unlikable and unpopular

to broadcast that

because not everybody can afford a nanny.

It's super expensive.

It's expensive for me and my husband,

so the both of us, we have to hustle,

we have to work very hard

to not take care of our child ourselves.

I'm all about putting the oxygen mask

on myself before I put it on my baby.

I like that protocol.

I like that philosophy very much.

When the stewardess tells me

to make sure to do that,

I'm always like,

"Yeah, I was gonna do that.

I got no problem with that."

I'm so jealous of Mexican people.

Mexican culture.

They don't need no nannies,

'cause you know who takes care

of the baby?

The other baby!

Hermana, Ta, Abuela, Sobrina, Prima,

Second Prima, Bounce House...

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