Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife Page #4

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She did not appreciate that

or my Dave Coulier reference.

Look, a C-section is no joke, okay?

It is major surgery.

But it's very fast.

They put the anesthesia in your back,

and then they put up this curtain

so that your husband can only see

your human side

and not your cadaver side.

And then ten minutes later,

they hold the baby above the curtain

like bloody Simba and it's over.

I was like, "What the f*** did I do

all that pushing for

when there was this perfectly good

emergency exit?"

One of my best friends, God bless her,

she was in labor for 72 hours.

The baby's head kept on going in and out,

and in and out, and in and out.

And then she still had to have

an emergency C-section.

Before that sh*t went down,

my friend was the kindest,

Most polite,

dainty lady,

who would never burp in front of anybody.

After that sh*t went down,

she became the most bitter, nasty,

raw-ass b*tch I have ever met in my life!

I went to her house to pay her a visit

shortly after,

she opens the door,

"Look at my p*ssy, Ali.

Look at this sh*t! Look at this!"

No, "Hello, Ali. Welcome.

Come meet my beautiful new baby."

No, just, "Come on, you look at this sh*t!

"You look at what happened to me!"

Just with the door open,

in front of the entire cul-de-sac to see,

"Come on!"

And her p*ssy looked crazy!

It looked cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

When I saw it, I was like...

Because her p*ssy straight up looked

like two hanging d*cks side by side.

In the process of giving birth

to one baby girl,

my friend became two dudes.

You could French braid that sh*t.

It was like a Star Wars monster.

I mean, women, we're not accustomed

to seeing each other's pussies

in the first place.

It's not like men at the urinal

where you're like,

"Hey, what's up, dude? What's going on?"

holding your d*cks

in your hands in front of each other.

We're never just like going

to the bathroom, "What's up, girl?"

holding our pussies, just casual,

"I like your manicure."

I told her

that she had turned into two dudes.

And she started laughing.

But then she started

to get also extremely upset.

And she was like,

"Please, do not make me laugh!

Do not make me laugh!"

And then with one hand,

she had to grab a pillow,

and press it against her C-section scar.

And then with the other hand,

she had to...

pinch the d*cks together...

To make sure that...

the carne asada wouldn't fall out

of the taco,

And become nachos on the floor.

You see,

this is why women need maternity leave!

Yeah, you'd better pay our ass, too.

My friend couldn't go back to work

with her meat curtains

dragging on the floor

like the train of a sad-ass wedding dress.

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