Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife Page #7

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from playing the cello

think about your butthole-licking jokes?"

My older sister is an unemployed lesbian

who lives on my mother's property.

So I can do whatever I want.

Yeah. Whatever I want!

I could take a sh*t on this stage

right now,

and my mom would be like,

"You bring so much honor to our family.

I am so proud of you, my golden child."

And then a lot of people also seem

to wonder, "Ali,

now that you have a daughter,

are you gonna tone it down?"

Here's the thing,

just because you became a parent,

doesn't mean you grew up.

Yeah.

Broey dudes become broey dads.

I'm the same piece of sh*t

that I always was before I became a mom,

now just with more responsibility,

and I'm barely rising to the occasion.

And I'm not ashamed,

I'm not going to hide

that I was very sexually active

in my twenties.

You know why?

Because everybody knows the secret now

that when a woman sleeps

with a man right away,

it's not because

we don't respect ourselves,

it's because we don't respect you.

We don't see you as marriage material.

That's why we let your dick inside

so fast.

By letting you in,

we're really kicking you out

of our future.

"Bye, Felicia,

be on your merry little way."

We're just trying to have fun,

we're not trying to trap your ass.

But...

But you better be careful

because when a man...

When a man doesn't sleep with you

right away,

oh...

oh, it's not because he respects you,

it's because he has a small dick.

And he's trying to trap you.

Do not fall for that trap.

I'm gonna repeat that sh*t to my daughter

over and over and over again.

Do not fall for that trap.

I fell for that sh*t once,

fell in love

and into a semi long-term relationship

with a man who kept on wanting to wait

to have sex,

and I assumed it was because he thought

I was so special, and amazing,

and worth waiting for...

He was hiding something!

Months later

he finally agrees to get busy

and unveils this tiny mess of a thing

that wouldn't even reach your molars.

It was a black dude.

Creepy, right?

Like seeing a homeless Asian person,

"What happened to you?"

"Oh my God, who are your parents? Truly!"

It was a black dude,

and I told all my black friends about it,

and they were like,

"Where the f*** is he at?

We need to assassinate him right now

before he further threatens

to tarnish our sacred reputation!"

It was the first and last time

I had ever seen an actual micropenis.

And my honest first reaction

when I saw it was...

"Oh, my God, are you okay?

What happened,

did you just get hit by a bus?

Did a car outside

just like sideswipe your dick off,

and now is your dick rolling around

on the street like a severed snake head?

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