A Million Ways to Die in the West Page #5

You're heading back to town

in the middle of the day.

A prospector only does that

when he's found gold to sell.

Show it to me.

No, I swear to you, mister.

I ain't got no gold.

We're just going into

town to get some...

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

- Hold on, let me think here a minute.

- You do that.

I might just have a

little bit of gold.

Yeah, here it is.

I forgot all about it.

Here, take it.

Pick up your gun.

What?

Well, I'm not just gonna take

your gold. That'd be stealing.

You know what, old timer?

We'll shoot for it.

- Clinch.

- Shut up.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You just take the gold, okay?

Only a thief would do that.

Are you calling me a

thief, old timer?

No, no, no!

Then pick up your gun.

That's it.

Now point it at me.

We shoot on three.

(GUN CLICKS)

One.

Two.

God damn it, Clinch!

You didn't have to shoot him!

I know I didn't have

to, sweetheart.

He would've given you the gold!

The point is I had

to ask him twice.

I'm a busy man with a schedule.

You're a son of a b*tch

is what you are.

(GASPS)

Don't you ever say that

to me in front of my men.

A man's wife will respect him.

Now, let's try that again.

Oh, my God, I love you.

I'm, like, the luckiest girl

ever in the history of girls.

That's it. Now, mount up.

Hey, Clinch.

Take a look.

You'd lose half a day

going through Bullhead.

CLINCH:
You, Enoch and

Jordy will ride with me.

We'll take Bilbee Pass

to Sherman Creek Trail.

And make no mistake about the

kind of heat we're going to draw

after we take that stage.

Anna, I'm gonna keep

you out of harm's way.

Lewis, you take Anna and ride east

and hole up here in, uh, Old Stump.

You got that?

We'll let things cool

for a wee bit and then we'll

come for you in 12 days.

(URGES HORSE)

(HORSE NEIGHS)

(WHIMPERING)

Come on, boy.

Come on, Plugger. Come on! Yeah!

Good boy! Let's go!

LEWIS:
Oh, Jesus Christ!

(BLEATING)

Well, look who's up at

2:
00 in the afternoon.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

There's still some pig ass and

sweet cream there if you want it.

(FLY BUZZING)

I'm gonna use the outhouse. Um...

If I die out there, will you

guys just do me one favor?

Just once, I want you

to switch seats.

F*** off.

Okay.

Oh.

Ah, Edward, hey. What's going on?

Oh, my God. Albert,

you look terrible!

Oh, wow, there's that

confidence boost I need.

Thanks a lot. How you doing, buddy?

Well, honestly, I'm a

little worried about you.

I haven't seen you in

town in a week and a half

and, you know, it seems like you're

just staying in and sleeping all day.

(STAMMERING) No, I don't

stay home all day. I go out.

You know what I did on Tuesday?

I went out to Charlie

Blanche's ranch

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