A Million Ways to Die in the West Page #6

and I paid him the money I owe him

so he won't shoot me

in the f***ing face.

I did that. That's going out.

Well, that's not really what

I'm talking about. (CHUCKLES)

Okay, look. Here's the

truth, all right?

I just feel like I need to

stay here with my parents.

They're not gonna be

around much longer

and I just want to be able to give

back all the love and affection

that I got growing up.

You know? Right, guys?

(FARTS) Ow!

Oh, you getting the fart

needles again, Dad?

Never mind what I'm getting!

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

I love him so much!

Albert, I know you're taking this

breakup really hard, and I understand,

but you got to get

out of this funk.

I mean, you haven't shorn

your sheep in weeks.

(BLEATING)

Look, you don't know what

this is like, all right.

With all due respect, you have no

f***ing clue what this is like.

All right? You're going

home every night

to your girlfriend who loves you.

- You're having sex with her, and you...

- Ah...

No, Ruth and I have...

We've never done that.

What do you mean you've...

You've never had sex with Ruth?

Yeah. No, no. Yeah.

Wait, doesn't she have sex with, like,

10 guys every day at the whorehouse?

On a slow day, yeah.

But you guys have never had sex?

No. No, Ruth wants to wait

until we get married.

You know, she's a

Christian and so am I,

and we want to save ourselves

for our wedding night.

Edward, have you... Have you

ever had sex with anyone?

Well, there was some sh*t with

my uncle, but that was...

You know, it's really hard

to remember all that stuff.

You know, yeah, you're right.

Things could be a lot worse.

Yeah.

Um, I'll get out, I'll meet

some people. Yeah, thanks.

- Okay.

- (GEORGE FARTS)

Ow! That came out of my penis!

EDWARD:
Man, I see kids everywhere

with those stick hoops lately.

I know. Me, too.

It's got to be bad for

their brains, right?

Yeah, it stunts their

attention span.

I read an article in the paper.

Yeah, I saw that. It's like

they lose the power to innovate

because they're staring at

the stick hoop all day.

Yep.

Oh, by the way, they're delivering

the town's ice shipment today.

You want to go watch?

- Oh, yeah, that'd be fun.

- Yeah!

Yeah. It's always a thrill

when you get to see

that much ice all in one place.

Yeah, I think so, too.

I'm really excited.

Edward, Edward, look, look.

Holy sh*t.

F***ing Foy.

She told me she didn't

want to see anybody.

She told me she had

to work on herself.

Look at that.

Oh, my God. F***ing Foy!

The owner of the Moustachery.

Oh, look at that. He's kissing her.

- EDWARD:
He's frenching her.

- ALBERT:
F***ing Foy!

Maybe you should grow a moustache.

No, I can't afford it.

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