A Million Ways to Die in the West Page #4

He's gonna say,

"Oh, that looks like it hurts.

"Let me give you a blue jay

to peck out the blood."

Maybe you should...

I don't know, maybe you

should try to talk to Louise.

- That's a great idea.

- Yeah?

- That's the jackpot. That's the jackpot!

- Huh?

- I still got it!

- Okay.

I have good ideas sometimes.

I didn't mean now!

Hey, hey, dude, you really

shouldn't drink and horse.

(GRUNTING)

No. No. No. No. No. No.

(GRUNTING)

Yeah, there you... Okay.

(SNORING)

Okay, Curtis. Curtis, buddy,

I'm gonna be right back.

I'll be right back, okay?

Or not! (LAUGHS)

No, that's being too ambitious.

Hey. Hey.

Albert, what the

hell are you doing?

Louise, we need to talk.

- It's 1:
30 in the morning.

- We need to talk.

- And we need to talk tonight.

- What happened to your face?

I got in a fight with an animal

that I could not identify.

Okay, you're drunk.

I'm a smucks-dinnin' drunk.

I don't know what you want

from me, but it's late.

- I gotta go.

- Louise! Louise!

Louise, please, listen to me.

I love you, okay?

I love you.

And I just think if

we talked this out

that we can get

somewhere and fix it.

Look, Albert, you gotta go.

I'm sure you're right for

somebody else, just not for me.

Okay?

Good night.

Wait, let me just touch you.

You're being a f***ing jerk!

Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

You know what?

I heard you fart once.

And it went...

(IMITATING FART NOISE)

And it was a sharp one.

A little sharpie poop-toot.

And I heard...

(HORSE NEIGHS)

MAN:
You know what I'm gonna

get with this gold, Plugger?

You know what I'm gonna get you?

I'm gonna get you a big old

stack of fresh-cut steaks.

(CHUCKLING) I bet you'd like that.

(BARKING)

What? What's the matter with...

Settle down, boy.

(BARKING CONTINUES)

Come on, boy, hey!

Quiet down, Plugger!

Whoa, mule!

(HORSES NEIGHING)

Howdy, folks.

Howdy.

What can I do for you fellas?

Well, we're riding through

to Sherman Creek.

Be obliged if you could

tell us the shortest route.

Oh, yeah, I can help you with that.

(GRUNTS)

I got a map right here.

Yes, sir.

Oh.

You're on the main road now.

And the main road goes

right through Bullhead

and straight through

to Sherman Creek.

But if you want the quickest way,

I'd take Bilbee Pass.

Safer, too. Less chance

of bandits and such.

Thank you.

- You can keep that.

- Oh.

Uh, one more thing

you might do for us.

What's that?

You could show us the gold.

Gold? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I ain't got no gold.

I wish.

Been prospecting up there, but

that stream's about panned out.

Old Plugger and I done give it up.

We're going on back into town.

(CHUCKLES) Aye. You see,

that's... That's just it.

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