A Fantastic Fear of Everything Page #3

- (COUGHING)

- # And a Happy New Year... #

- Hello?

Happy Christmas.

(ALL) Happy Christmas.

- What do you want?

- We're singing carols.

Yeah, I can see that.

Well, ain't you gonna come out

and hear us then, bruv?

No, I can hear you perfectly well

from up here. Thank you.

We've been out for ages

and no one's given us nuffink yet.

Well, honestly, I think you should

perhaps work on your repertoire.

- Our what?

- Sorry I can't help you. Good night.

But it's for Save the Children.

Kids who ain't got no food,

Nintendo or nothing, bruv.

# We won't go until we got some

We won't go until we got some

# We won't go until we got some #

All right, all right. Wait there.

- I'm coming down.

- Yes.

(GASPS)

You gonna open up this door, then,

or what, bruv?

Um, I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna put some loose change

into this sock

and then I'm gonna feed it

through the letter box.

- Did you get that?

- (KID) Is it clean?

- Is it what?

- Is it clean?

Is the sock clean, bruv?

Well, it's not box fresh,

if that's what you mean.

Do you want this money or not?

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, God.

Who are you?

- You there?

- Yes. Yes.

I just... Stand back, okay?

Stand back.

Christ, can't you see I'm not in?

Er...

- Okay. Get ready.

- (PHONE STOPS RINGING)

I'm opening my flap.

Here it comes. Gently does it.

- Gently.

- (PHONE RINGS)

God in heaven, will you just f*** off

and give me some peace?

Hey, wait. Just come back!

Oi! What about my sock?

You little thieving, you...

(SOFTLY) You... you did this.

You wanna hear my voice,

you sick f***?

Hear this.

- (FUZZY) Hello?

- Jack, it's Clair.

Hello?

- Jack, it's Clair.

- Clair.

Why haven't you been answering?

I've been calling for hours.

- I thought you were a wrong number.

- Well, listen.

I've just had a very excited man

on the phone.

- Have you?

- Yes. He's read your treatment...

...for "Decades of Death"

and he's very excited by your ideas.

He wants to meet you tonight

at eight o'clock.

Oh.

- I see. Eight o'clock?

- He's off to New York tomorrow.

- It's imperative you see him.

- Why is it imperative?

Because he's Harvey Humphries.

- Harvey Humphries? Who's he?

- Head of scripts.

Clair, look, can I see him

when he comes back from New York?

Because I've not been sleeping

very well and...

Jack, he's genuinely excited.

The arrangements have all been made.

Tonight, eight o'clock,

- That's in one hour and 47 minutes.

- Wear a suit, please.

- I don't have any suits.

- Wear a clean shirt.

They're all dirty.

I'm down to my last sock.

Then you'll have to go

to the launderette, won't you?

What? A launderette?

Are you serious?

I am. What's the problem?

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