A.C.O.D. Page #4

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by the courts

because of the nature

of your parents' divorce.

I wrote a book about it.

It was on The New York Times

Best Seller list for 38 weeks.

It's in its 14th printing.

Margot Kidder did the audio book!

What was the name of that book again?

Well, f*** me.

Do you think I walk around like a victim?

I don't think I walk around like a victim.

Do you think I'm a negotiator?

Like I'm constantly

trying to keep the peace,

even if there's no peace to be kept?

I mean, that's actually

written in a sentence.

I mean, that's just bad

sentence construction, in my opinion

Am I living in a shell of insecurity

and approval-seeking?

I don't know.

You know what?

Thank you for this.

- Hi.

- Mom.

Hi.

People are going to think

you're my boy toy.

Don't say that. Shall we?

It's better for you at room temperature.

So, I brought you something.

Yeah, I remember that book.

It's funny, I don't.

You don't? Well, you should keep it.

- So...

- Mom.

- What?

- VVhy?

Your father was running around

with every 25-year-old

coat check girl in the city.

Mom.

And you really needed

to talk to somebody.

Relax. She didn't use your real name.

You were like Robert or something.

- Rob.

- It's Rick.

- Rick!

- Rick.

So you read it?

According to this,

Rick is a total disaster.

You do realize that Rick

now owns a successful business

and has employees

who come to him with their problems.

Rick has a beautiful girlfriend

whom he loves.

Carter, please tell me this book

is not the reason you brought me here.

Oh, no. It's not.

Put that on a good hanger

for me, will you.

All of our hangers are quite good, sir.

That's cute.

Right this way, sir.

I pulled the big gun out tonight.

Having dinner with my son.

Crab. You know they self-amputate?

Hey, buddy. Look.

Sh*t!

- Shall I open the wine?

- No!

Yes. Sit down.

Sit, Dad.

Forget it. I'll go.

Fine.

You leave, he wins.

Right. You go. I cleared a very busy

evening to have dinner with my son.

Like I didn't?

You've destroyed this evening.

What have you done?

This is ridiculous!

Is it? I don't know. Look around you.

The building is still standing.

You're both in the same room

and somehow the universe

hasn't folded in on itself.

Holy sh*t.

Now, I brought you both here tonight,

because you've turned

a nine-year marriage

into a hundred-year war.

And I am officially over it.

We're playing by new rules now. Okay?

Trey is getting married.

There is going to be a wedding.

Now, you don't have to pay for it,

you don't have to organize it,

you don't even have to enjoy it.

All you have to do is show up, be civil,

and for one night, just shut the f*** up.

The drama.

A pain in the ass, he is.

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