A.C.O.D.

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Happy birthday, Carter.

Here we go, everybody.

Happy birthday, pal.

Are you one? Are you two?

Are you three? Are you four?

I hope she chokes on your dick!

Well, at least she gets close to it!

I hate you!

What a filthy, fat mouth you've got!

You lying piece of sh*t!

She couldn't be

bothered to make a cake, she bought it.

I'll call the police again.

Now blow out the goddamn candles.

Dave, turn it off. Turn it off.

You can eat your own sh*t and die!

Chapter three:
Seminal Moments.

On his ninth birthday, a simple wish

was made over a store-bought cake.

Stop the madness.

It did not come true.

It's up to you, son.

Who do you want to live with?

Six months till Christmas!

Over the years, he was subject

to emotional manipulation.

Open it fast, it's alive.

Character assassination.

I hate to be the one to tell you, sweetie,

but Daddy's a homosexual.

Pressured into unnatural

and awkward relationships.

This is Chloe. She's going

to be your sister from now on.

And witness to his parents

finding true love,

over and over again.

Oh, God, look at you.

It's just you and me forever.

This young man was eager to grow up.

To be free of these people

who called themselves parents.

And for a while, he did a pretty good

job at convincing the world

he'd done just that.

Please, can we not hire

any more actresses,

no matter how much

waiting experience they have.

- Hey, Etta, how's your husband?

- Not dead yet.

Why don't you just slide 29 over to 30?

Because I have a birthday party at 30.

- How about 15?

- Fifteen is good.

By the way, your brother called.

He's such a flirt.

- Hello, sir. How are you?

- Hi.

That table finished their dessert,

paid their bill

and they've been sitting there

for a half-hour!

We're actually setting

a new table for you right now.

- Good.

- Okay? Thank you. I'm so sorry.

- Word up.

- Thank you.

We're slammed, Trey, talk fast.

Well, I don't have anywhere to sit,

so tell me while I'm standing.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Look!

- Whoa! Really?

- I know!

I think you mean "congratulations"?

Yes. Congratulations.

The phone hasn't stopped. One sec.

Hi, Mom!

I know! I'm so excited.

Wanna get high?

No, I don't wanna get high. Married?

- What's it been? Three or four months?

- Holy sh*t, yeah, it has been.

- Yeah.

- It's been like four months!

Yeah. That's a huge decision.

Honestly, I just came up

with it yesterday.

We were at Costco

and she made the f***ing funniest joke

about this DVD display

and I just thought this is the girl

I want to spend the rest

of my life with, you know?

That's great.

Are you sure you're ready for this, man?

I mean, you kind of...

You live in my garage, Trey.

And you don't have a checkbook.

It just feels right.

- Okay. That's great.

- Thanks, man.

You're not gonna want to do this,

but could you talk to Mom and Dad?

- About?

- Coming to a wedding.

You're not having a wedding.

Just do a small thing at City Hall.

One witness, no hassle.

I mean, isn't there some sort of

traditional Japanese thing you can do?

- She's from Palo Alto.

- I know. But like the old country?

She's third generation.

Trey, Mom and Dad

haven't spoken in 20 years.

I know, but if anybody could get them to,

it's you.

They listen to you.

They don't really.

I mean, I patronize them, so...

Look, things have been pretty good.

We're in a period of real calm here.

You sure you want to take that risk?

It's my wedding.

Please. I mean, if there was ever

going to be a day...

Okay. I'll give it a shot.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Okay.

- You're the man.

- Okay.

You are the Best Man. You get it?

Thanks a lot.

He said okay!

All right, guys,

who's going to go higher?

- Me.

- Okay.

Oh, my God, it's so scary.

Don't tell your mom I'm giving you these,

there's no actual juice in them.

Look who's here. Okay, one, two, three.

Oh, my gosh.

Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

Guys, come on. Whoa!

Hey. How was Rancho De La...

Wherever it was you went?

It's the greatest. It's a first-class joint.

I had a manicure.

I can see from here.

Bring me my babies.

Mommy! Mommy!

Hi. How were they?

They were good.

Pretty interesting park, though.

A lot of sharp right angles.

This is a very important park.

Do you know I. M. Pei?

His brother comes here.

Carter, I got you something.

These are the greatest hats.

Yeah, the greatest.

- Put it on.

- I will. I just...

Come on, put it on. I wanna see

what it looks like on your head.

Carter, on.

Terrific.

- I nailed it.

- It looks great on you.

Hey, Dad,

did you happen to talk to Trey?

Great news, huh? How about that kid?

Well, he wants to have a wedding.

Terrific. I told him, whatever he wants.

Come on, forget the family

of the bride pays for this or that.

It's me,

because I might only do this once.

So you'll go to a wedding

if Mom is there?

No. She can have her own wedding.

Right. But we're probably

not going to have two weddings.

Why not?

I'm gonna throw a first-class party,

and then your mother

and Captain Fuckface

can rent out a KFC in Petersburg.

They can charge admission

to cover the f***ing cost.

Dad, I'm not asking you to dance

with her. Just be in the same room.

- Carter.

- Dad.

If I ever see that woman,

I'm going to kick her in the balls.

It's just something every parent

dreams of, their child's wedding.

Yeah, I think it's wonderful. I do

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