50 Ways to Leave Your Lover Page #6

what the hell happened?

Well...

I met someone.

You came back for a woman?

I know, I know.

Things were going so well.

Well, who is she?

She's a friend of Eileen's.

You came back

for a friend of Eileen's?

Eileen

has horrible, ugly friends.

OK, she was an acquaintance.

We met a few years ago,

only then, she had a boyfriend.

Then tonight, at the airport,

I run into her...

and, of course,

we're both single.

Oh, so she ruined your exit.

Well, I mean,

I can't walk away now...

knowing

she's there and available.

Otherwise, I'll just be back

in three weeks.

Uhh. Do you wear a 32 Hanes?

Oh. Yeah.

So, wait, what are you gonna do?

You're just gonna go on a date?

Well, I have to make sure

that she's wrong for me.

You know, psychologists

say it takes...

at least three months

before the real you shows up.

No, no. I'm putting this

on the fast track.

The real me is gonna show up

the first date...

and I'm giving her the bad news

right up front.

I don't want to be her friend.

I don't want children,

'cause there's already...

too many parents in the world

as it is.

And I have no opinions

about shoes.

Do you really expect her

to go for that?

Well, there's always

that chance.

I mean, who knows where or when

love will strike?

I mean, I've just got

to give it an honest shot.

So, I guess you'll be

wanting your room back.

No, I'm booked on the red-eye

tomorrow night.

Yes, Bucky,

I am still in Los Angeles.

I'm just calling to tell you...

you are a great writer,

Shakespeare.

You could be

another Michael Crichton.

Well, we do both write

about dinosaurs.

Come on,

why do you hurt me like that?

I have nothing

but the utmost respect for you.

What do you say to $5,000?

Bucky, listen,

this is not about money.

It's about self-respect.

I hear you. How about 7,000?

I said no! I quit! Period!

OK, fine.

You're being honest with me.

I appreciate that...

because now

I can be honest with you...

you stinkin' little hack!

I am a--a historical figure,

God damn it!

And I'll show

all you little writer faggots!

Anyone can write a book,

ass-wipe!

Come on. There's no way...

you're gonna bag her

on the first date.

Besides, you've never

gotten laid on a first date...

in your entire life.

See, I am sick of waiting till

the third date to be denied sex.

I'm just gonna say to her,

"Look, we're both adults.

"We both know why we're here,

so let's have sex, tonight."

And if that goes well...

we'll build toward

a nice get-to-know-you lunch.

Maybe you should call

the airport shuttle now.

I hope you don't mind

my calling so soon.

Usually I'd act like I was busy

and wait five days...

but I'm kind of experimenting

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes