Zombieland Page #3

Out west, we hear it's back east.

Back east, they hear it's out west.

It's all just nonsense.

You know, you're like a penguin

on the North Pole...

...who hears the South Pole

is really nice this time of year.

There are no penguins

on the North Pole.

You wanna feel how hard

I can punch?

So, what do you think?

Wait, the last time I laid some pipe?

Last time you went 20 toes,

put Percy in the playpen?

Who's Percy?

Wallpapered the closet,

passed the gravy.

- Went heels to Jesus.

- Oh, made love.

Well, just sex.

Three weeks ago. Yeah.

In the back

of an abandoned FedEx truck.

- Shut up.

- No, no, I was headed east.

She, west.

And we took shelter

in the back of the truck.

- It was full of undelivered packages.

- What was her name?

Beverly.

Beverly Hills.

You dog.

So, what about you?

Me? I...

Aye, aye, aye.

Oh, my God. It makes you sick.

You know, it makes you sad,

it makes you...

It makes you think if you can go back

to the way things were right now...

...you know, you'd be...

You'd be out in the backyard,

you know, trying to catch fireflies.

And instead this.

- I mean, it makes you...

- Hungry.

I'm worried about you.

Look, whatever you have

waiting for you in Columbus...

...I promise you it ain't prettier than

our friend here enjoying her Manwich.

Tallahassee had a sick sense

of humor when it came to zombies.

Zombies aren't the most lovable

creatures, but he really hated them.

The only thing he was more

obsessed with than killing zombies...

...was finding a Twinkie.

Something about a Twinkie reminded

him of a time not so long ago...

...when things were simple

and not so f***ing psychotic.

It was like if he got a taste

of that comforting childhood treat...

...the world would become innocent,

and everything would return to normal.

What, are you prospecting?

Jesus Christ.

You are a dangerous man.

You're gonna risk our lives

for a Twinkie?

There is a box of Twinkies

in that grocery store.

Not just any box of Twinkies.

The last box of Twinkies that anyone

will enjoy in the whole universe.

Believe it or not,

Twinkies have an expiration date.

Someday very soon, life's little

Twinkie gauge is gonna go empty.

Time to nut up or shut up.

When Tallahassee

goes Hulk on a zombie...

...he sets the standard

for not-to-be-f***ed-with.

No fear, nothing to lose.

What can I say? It's like...

It's like art.

You got a pretty mouth.

Don't swing, don't swing.

Swing.

- Thank you.

- You owe me.

Yeah.

You're incredible.

- I know.

- Yeah.

Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie.

Big Hoss.

Come here, big fella.

Just gonna take a little off the top.

Wow, these fellas

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