Zombieland Page #2

was to find a girl...

...and fall in love, bring her home

to meet the folks.

Then again, since my folks

are paranoid shut-ins like me...

...maybe this girl could

bring me home to her folks.

And then I'd finally be a member

of a cool, functional family.

Please, is anyone home?

Please, it's an emergency.

I don't usually unlock my door

to the sounds of panic...

...but my neighbor 406

is insanely hot.

Okay, okay.

Thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you.

Nice to meet you.

Here.

There you go.

- Mountain Dew?

- Yeah. Code Red.

And here's some Golden Grahams.

The Ziploc bag keeps them crisp.

Okay. Keep that there.

So tell me what happened.

He was homeless and sick.

And I was walking home from the bar,

talking on my phone...

...and then he just came sprinting

towards me.

I mean, not running, sprinting.

And I thought, you know, like, maybe

he was running from someone...

...or after someone, but last time I saw

he was still out there going crazy.

Drugs, maybe?

I didn't even tell you the worst part.

Yeah?

He tried to bite me.

- You're right, that's the worst part.

- I'm sorry. I'm just so scared.

No, no, no, you should be scared.

A homeless man just tried to eat you.

That's the right kind of scared.

That's reasonable.

I get scared for things that don't make

sense, like clowns with red noses...

...or the rags they use to wipe tables

when you finish eating at a restaurant.

Really?

Look, the point is

I am here for you, okay?

And as long as you are by my side,

I am not leaving this apartment.

Do you mind if I just close my eyes

for a minute?

No, of course. Of course.

- Thank you.

- Okay.

Set aside the feverish,

homeless cannibal...

...l'm living the dream.

I had always, my whole life...

...wanted to brush a girl's hair

over her ear.

- Good night.

- Good night.

Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Okay, okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop.

What are you doing?

Look, stay back, 406, okay?

I don't wanna hurt you, but...

Sh*t.

Oh, my God, I'm so f***ing sorry.

You see, you just can't trust anyone.

The first time I let a girl into my life

and she tries to eat me.

Please. Listen to me.

If you're in there...

...you're just sick. Okay?

That was my first brush

with the plague of the 21 st century.

Remember mad cow disease?

Well, mad cow became mad person

became mad zombie.

It's a fast-acting virus that left you

with a swollen brain, a raging fever...

...that made you hateful, violent...

...and gave you a really, really bad

case of the munchies.

All right, you steer, I'll push.

Okay.

I've heard there's a place

that's untouched by this crap.

- Back east, yeah?

- Yeah. You heard the same thing?

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