You, Me and Him Page #4

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So just go romcom on her arse.

'Scuse me?

The big romantic gesture.

Richard Gere, roses,

so she no longer feels like a

hooker.

Then I'm literally gonna be a mum

to two kids. Just like that.

- You're already having one.

- Not without her, I'm not.

Does that make me a shitty

person?

It's not a story I'd tell them

at their graduation but no...

you're all right.

I don't know what to do.

Can you be without her?

- No.

- Not a chance?

- Not one.

- There you go then.

And now...

to celebrate.

- I'm gonna have a baby, Alf.

- Yeah, I know. I sympathize.

This'll make you feel better.

Yep.

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

Whoa!

That is so not cool.

I can't sell a single painting.

Not even the one with me tits

out.

So, I sold all those cool art

supplies and I got you this.

I can't do this on me own. And

I don't think you can, either.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Have you smelled this thing?

It's vintage, isn't it?

[KEYS JINGLING]

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

And why exactly do you think I

wouldn't be able to do this on my own?

I have support.

Friends, my family, friends.

- Which friends?

- Friends.

Maureen?

Well what do you bring, Alex?

And you need to get that

f***ing mouse out of my house.

I'm home all day.

Got a thing for Pixar.

To be honest, I hadn't thought

beyond the pram.

I just know that if you were

ever able to forgive me,

then I would love to be the

mum that you think I can be.

So, I'd like to call today,

"Lez be having some babies!"

- No jokes.

- Understood. Not a laughing matter.

- Alex.

- Present.

Yep. We've established that. My

sister has asked me to do this

quite heinous bit of mediation today,

so you can both be sure you're entering

- into this agreement...

- Family. Family.

Bit of a stretch but anyway...

with clarity and closure.

Yeah, fine. I'll agree to

anything.

How romantic. Now here are

the hard and fast rules.

Never again shall either of you mention

that Alex slept with someone else.

- [ALEX] Fine.

- You have to meet each other's parents.

- Fine.

- And you have to tell John about the baby.

- No f***ing way!

- He's the father.

We're talking about the man who thought

LGBT was just a really big sandwich.

You slept with him.

Oh! I think we agreed no

more mention of the S word.

- Shut up, Ben!

- That's mature.

Why would you want him involved?

He almost ruined us.

How else are we going to afford

two children on one salary?

Well, we don't need childcare.

I'll look after them.

No Alex, you're an artist.

You can't give up your dream.

You are my dream.

- [BEN SCOFFS]

- Shut up, Ben.

You two are perfect for each

other.

I want to do this properly.

One has to do the right thing.

You've started talking like the

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