When Evil Calls

Come out, come out,

wherever you are.

Gugenheim.

Gugenheim!

When we get a hold of you,

we're gonna kick the shit out of you,

you little runt.

Gugenheim?

What kind of fucking

stupid name is that?

I didn't mean to scare you.

Calm down, cool your boots.

It's all right.

Don't be scared,

I'm not gonna hurt ya.

Those...

bullies chased you

down here, didn't they?

Come in.

I don't bite...

much.

I'll bet you wish that you were popular,

don't you, Gugenheim?

Yeah.

I used to as a kid.

Let me tell you, it's not all

that it's actually cracked up to be.

Don't actually believe me,

do you, Gugenheim?

Let me tell you something

that's absolutely fucking true.

You see, because for 20 long,

hard, arduous years,

I tidied up after you

little fucking snot rags!

And boy, oh, boy, have I fucking seen

some things around here, mate.

Oh, yes.

Nothing quite as strange

as that little Samantha Neil.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe then, Gugenheim,

you wouldn't be in such

a hurry to be popular.

I suppose it started on a day like...

any other day, really.

Hey, I was looking for you everywhere.

Why didn't you wait for me?

You go on ahead.

Daniel!

Who the hell are you?

You're the Headmaster's daughter.

Freak.

I wish I was popular.

Who's that?

You want a balloon?

Gimme, gimme.

I wish to be popular.

At any cost?

You don't believe me,

do you, you little shit?

Oh, Samantha.

Well, what happened to Samantha

was that she set in motion

a sequence of events that would...

change everything that she believed in,

with the power...

of a tiny little wish.

Cheers.

It was the very next day...

Hey, you all right?

Maybe with a bit of make-up,

you can look really hot.

Be careful with that.

If you spill it on your skin,

it will burn it right off.

You are pretty.

Pretty fucking ugly!

Help me.

Wait.

We need some help!

Miss!

Now that's what I call a bad trip.

See, well, I'm sorry,

I was playing words...

bad trip, trip bad, acid bad,

trip bad, bad.

You know what?

Fucking forget it.

It's all right.

Anyway, now, that's not the end.

Now, Victoria we'll get back to later on.

Well, you see,

the next person to...

get the text was Neville.

Now, Neville...

he was covered all over his face

by these spots and boils

the size of fucking marbles.

Every time he'd smile,

which was very rare,

one would burst.

It was fucking disgusting.

Disgusting!

Now let me tell you.

Hey, Samantha.

Hey, Sam.

It's Sam.

Hello, Pizza Boy.

Looks like some

of your cheese is melting.

Did anyone order a margarita?

You just bought yourself a detention, Miss.

Usual time, usual place.

You're dead meat, crater face.

No, please!

Please!

Ah, shit!

It looked like those rats

had a little tale of their own to tell.

Rats, tail, you see.

For fuck's sake,

will you just climb into...

into the spirit of things?

Fucking hard work,

do you know that?

Where was I?

Oh yeah, Kirsty.

That Kirsty was a...

really nasty piece

of work.

Neville, of course,

was a little boy she used to bully.

Now, there was this little fleshy fat, fat,

fat, funky chunker.

He was just dying

to lose some weight.

Oh, you're gonna get the "dying" pun

once I've told you the story.

It's not fucking rocket science.

Use your imagination, for fuck's sake.

Fat Boy.

Hey, darling.

When's the last time

you saw your dick in the shower?

I'll join you.

I'm hungry.

Now, that is one fatty

who is now a little flatty.

It's lovely, that is.

Oh, yeah. Where was I?

Now, it was

about this time

that Detective Ringwald

turned up on the scene.

Cheers.

You're so sexy.

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