What We Did on Our Holiday Page #5

Yeah, that was my 30th birthday

in Northern Rhodesia.

- We were looking for silver.

- Kneel before mighty Odin!

Do you not get birthdays

after you're 75?

What?

Dad said to Mum it's going to be

Granddad's last birthday. I heard him.

Ooh, Blu-Tack. Can I have this?

Sure. Tell you what, why don't you

go check out on the puppies?

- See if they're OK.

- Sure.

I'm building a big...

You've heard of cancer?

Well, I've got that.

But you will get better.

Well, actually, no,

they can't make me any better

and the treatments

they've been giving me

have been putting

a terrible strain on my heart.

But right now,

right this second, I feel brilliant.

- What is this?

- It's my notebook.

You know, Lottie,

a lot of life doesn't look very good

written down.

So, cousin Kenneth

is the one who took the keys?

Yeah, isn't he a naughty boy?

And where did cousin Kenneth

put the keys?

Right.

- Lost something?

- No.

Ready for football?

Leon, hi. No, still very keen.

- Oh, nice header.

- Yeah, all right. Yeah.

- It's mine!

- Hey?

Oh! There you go.

Maybe your parents just lied

to protect you.

- Do you ever lie?

- Well, I've told lots of lies.

Lots and lots of lies.

I always lied to policemen

who said, "What speed were you going?"

I say, "30mph," when I was clearly

doing much faster than that.

And I don't care.

Sometimes, if your intentions

are good, it's OK to lie.

And if you don't like

someone's food at someone's house,

and you say, "This is great,"

even though...

That's what you do. You don't say,

"My God, I think I'm gonna vomit here. "

What you're saying is,

it's OK to lie to some people sometimes?

Yeah, it's also good fun.

For instance...

Maybe we can find him in here.

George Judd.

There he is, that's him there.

When he told him there was an

elephant leech clinging to his bollocks,

he got such a fright,

he completely fainted.

- Is that you?

- No, I'm the wee one.

So who's that?

Er...

How could I forget?

Dip me in vinegar

and call me a fish supper.

I have here

a chocolate model of the Alps.

Ta-dah!

Here he comes,

weaving his magic.

And he's clean through...

- Foul!

- Come on! I hardly touched you!

And so it begins.

Kenneth, your ball!

- Oh, for Christ's sake!

- Gavin!

What is wrong with you?

For crying out loud.

- Mickey, this is your ball!

- I'm a Berserker!

Will you stop being a Berserker? Ow!

- And England are rattled.

- I'm not England.

You're so English,

you're practically French.

Oh, no! I think I see

a marauding Berserker!

Help!

- That would have killed me.

- I've killed you!

But I moved my heart

to the other side, thank goodness.

- You can't.

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