What We Did on Our Holiday

Mickey, have a pee before you go!

In the toilet this time!

Mickey! Move!

- Don't sit on the back of the sofa.

- What? Whoa! Ow!

Time to get a move on, OK?

Scottish Granddad and his puppies

are waiting for us.

Let me take this, let me...

Oh! Jeez, what the...

Oh, for f... What's that?

That's Eric.

- Eric?

- Yes.

He wants to come

to Scotland with us, too.

Thing is, Eric's a wee bit heavy, and...

Hang on, there's a... What's this?

- That's Norman.

- That's... half a breeze block.

- How did you even pick that up?

- I can't sleep without Norman.

You sleep with... with this in your bed?

No, that would be stupid!

He goes at the bottom of my bed

to make sure the bad ones

don't come in.

- So there's bad stones and good stones?

- Yeah. Like in real life.

Sure.

That's our car alarm!

Oh, for God's sake!

For Odin!

Bloody thing.

Bugger off.

No, I'm sorry, darling,

we can't take Norman to Scotland.

- Or Eric.

- Right, then I'm gonna hold my breath.

No, no, no. Don't do that.

Jess, Jess. Jess, stop it. Jess. Jess.

OK, they can come. Look?

Fine. See? They're coming, it's OK.

Look, look, in they go, in the bag.

So her best friends are stones now?

Not all of them.

Some of them are bricks.

Well, have you, you know,

have you spoken to anyone about it?

What, like a geologist?

Oh, this thing hates me.

I'm just saying that...

obsessive collecting,

it's rather abnormal behaviour

for a child to...

She's behaving abnormally?

I wonder why.

For Christ's sake, Abi, just get...

- OK, sweetie?

- Everything all right?

- I need a list.

- A list?

Yeah, of the lies we're going to tell.

In case I forget one.

- That is a clove hitch.

- It's just a list would be helpful.

- Has anyone seen my house keys?

- Oh, M25 slow moving between...

- Keys, keys, keys.

... well, everywhere.

It's just a list would be

really helpful.

It's really very simple.

It's Granddad's 75th birthday party

and we don't want to upset him

because he's been a bit poorly...

He's getting better now.

Yes, but...

Oh, Jesus H Christ!

Mummy, you're not supposed to

shout Jesus's name like that.

No, that's all right,

it's cos I'm asking for His help.

- To stop the car alarm?

- Yep.

See? Thank you, Jesus.

Come on, all aboard!

- Enemies of Odin!

- I want the window seat!

- Have you got your key?

- No, I gave you my key, remember?

- Yeah. Yep.

- We can't leave the house unlocked.

- No, I'm aware of that.

- Don't start.

Nobody's starting.

You supervise the little ones.

- Well, where are your keys?

- Erm, I think someone's hidden them.

Oh, for f...

We've got to address this.

- How many times?

- Don't start!

- We're not starting, darling.

- OK.

- Well, where are you going?

- Lucy.

She won't let me

put her seat belt on.

- I don't like it!

- We've got to put it on.

She'll be through the window screen

and cut into tiny pieces.

Yes, thank you, Mickey.

Ooh, I've got a good idea.

Why don't we ask Eric

if he knows how to put?

- It is Norman, Mum.

- Norman, as I was saying,

why don't we ask Norman if

he knows how to put a seat belt on?

He's a breeze block!

And he doesn't have arms! How could he

possibly put my seat belt on?

Right, I'm putting it on.

It's the stone

that needs the seat belt.

Because if we brake hard,

it will go straight through your head

or Daddy's head if he's driving...

for your information.

Oh, hi, Lucy.

Erm, Abi's managed to lose her keys

and I need to lock up,

so could I borrow the spare?

If you could just let me have...

- Oh.

- Oh, no, Luce, it's fine.

Oh, right.

So, you're off on your travels.

Yeah, to visit my dad.

- You're driving all the way to Scotland?

- That's right.

- Together?

- Yeah.

700...

We cannot drive to the Highlands

in one day.

I told Gavin

we'd be there tonight.

- We haven't got a cat's hope in hell.

- We can share the driving.

- What, with Jenson Button?

- Please don't argue.

We're not arguing, darling,

we're discussing.

This is how it starts.

You start discussing,

- then end up shouting and screaming.

- Then the policeman comes.

That was just a misunderstanding,

sweetheart.

Sometimes when grown-ups

discuss things... very loudly,

- people get the wrong ideas.

- He let me play with his Taser.

- Well, he didn't let you.

- That was another misunderstanding.

- He didn't say I couldn't.

- Did the electricity feel nice, Daddy?

No, not nice.

So, we're all going to have

a holiday together?

Yeah, yep. It'll be lovely, won't it?

Does that mean that Daddy's

gonna come and live with us again?

Well, no, sweetheart,

we've been through all this, haven't we?

- Oh, yeah.

- Hey?

And the important thing to remember

is that Mummy and Daddy...

both love you very much,

but then sometimes a mummy and a daddy

reach a point where,

well, things change,

and then one of them finds that

they don't really love the other one

like they used to,

and then, maybe because of that,

the other one... makes a mistake.

Like Lloyd's dad?

Well, that was actually

quite a big mistake.

Running over Lloyd's mum with his car,

that was...

No, I'm talking about

a smaller mistake

where, well, one of them does

something that is...

a little bit silly and selfish

with someone at work,

so they find themselves

having rows and...

getting cross, and then one of them

goes to someone called a solicitor

and sometimes,

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote