What If Page #3

- I'm sure he did.

In a matchbox or something, yeah.

Like, one of those little vials

you could wear around your neck.

Like, yeah, he had, like,

a little sh*t locket.

- Heh-heh-heh-heh.

- Yeah, yes.

CHANTRY:
So, like, I've been

with Ben for five years, and, like,

I get that guys don't want to hang out

with the girl with the boyfriend,

but it just sucks, you know.

It just makes you feel like

the only thing

that's interesting about you

is how you look with your clothes off.

I mean, like, it should be easier

to make friends if you have a boyfriend,

because there's no confusion.

Uh, so is that it?

That's your big pitch

to be my friend?

- Um...

- That was terrible.

Yeah, I know, I know.

I'm just...

I practiced in the mirror, and...

- Anyway...

- Friends?

- Yeah, why not? Friends.

- All right.

Is this how you make friends?

Like a business deal?

Yeah, actually. It's just my style.

- It's quite unnerving, but it's good.

- Heh-heh.

WALLACE:

What's shaking, hot pants?

You can't write,

What's shaking, hot pants."

Have you seen anyone wearing

hot pants in the last five years?

That homeless man who shouts

at people near the pool.

[COMPUTER DINGS]

WALLACE:

So I found this website

where they explain what

Fool's Gold is.

- You take

- Heh.

A loaf of Italian white bread,

you coat it in butter

and bake it.

[TIMER DINGS]

Then you hollow out the inside

and coat it

with an entire jar of peanut butter,

and an entire jar of jam.

Then you stuff it

with a pound of crispy bacon.

The website said it serves

eight to ten people, or one Elvis.

You know, a jar of peanut butter

has, like, 6,000 calories in it.

And bacon is not even a food.

Technically, it's just pure fat.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

re:
just pure fat.

I can't confirm how much feces

were in Elvis's colon when he died,

but I did find out

how he discovered Fool's Gold."

They get on the jet, private jet,

fly to Denver, get to Denver,

order Fool's Gold sandwiches

to be delivered to the plane,

eat them, fly back to Graceland

without ever getting off the plane.

- Wow.

- And the best part is,

February 1, 1976?

The day my parents got married.

- Oh, no! Wallace!

WALLACE:
Come on.

CHANTRY:
Got it!

WALLACE:
Mail storm!

[SIGHS]

[MOUSE CLICKS]

ALLAN:

it starts dirty, it ends dirty.

A relationship that starts with a breakup

is doomed to end with a breakup.

- Who said that?

- Me.

You, after Vicky Cardero gave me

a BJ at her boyfriend's keg party

- and I wanted to ask her out.

- I recall you ignored that advice.

- What was the result?

- It ended dirty.

Gonorrhea-and-a-fistfight dirty.

This is not gonorrhea and a fistfight.

I'm not trying to break them up.

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