What If
I'm not saying
that it's a good explanation,
it's obviously a bad explanation,
but we can't just
leave things like this.
You have to call me back, okay?
Wallace, whatever happened,
I still love you.
[PHONE BEEPS]
AUTOMATED VOICE:
This messagehas been saved for 379 days.
[PHONE BEEPS]
Message deleted.
[POP MUSIC
PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
[CHATTERING]
Yeah, that was supposed to be
an anonymous fridge magnet poem.
And here I am quietly judging you.
Oh, I can handle it.
I've humiliated myself
much more thoroughly
in front of people I actually know.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
[NEEDLE SCRATCHES]
[POP MUSIC
PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
I'm sorry, I moved your poem.
I find this, like, weirdly addictive.
WALLACE:
Yeah, like face tattoos.CHANTRY:
Like peeing in the ocean.ALLAN:
Oh.CHANTRY:
Aah!- Here it is. Here it is.
- Hi.
- Oh, did you guys meet?
- Uh, kind of, yeah.
ALLAN:
Wallace, this is my cousinChantry. She's an animator.
- Chantry, this is Wallace.
- You're Wallace?
This is the first time
he's been outside in, like, a year.
- Wow.
WALLACE:
Yeah.Yeah, you do look pale.
I just assumed you were,
like, anemic or partially albino.
- It's both, actually.
ALLAN:
He's been hibernating- like bear because of his broken heart.
CHANTRY:
Aw.Stop telling people
and stroking my face.
[ALLAN CHUCKLES]
CHANTRY:
Anyway, um...NICOLE:
Do you guys know Becky?Uh, she's small, has brown hair, always
bragging about her eating disorder.
I'm Becky.
- It's been a while.
WOMAN:
Oh, hello.It's so good to see you again.
That's just what she sounds like!
Can I give you a tour of the house?
Come.
CHANTRY:
To be fair, um,
I don't always like parties, either.
Awkward small talk is not my forte.
It's "fort," actually.
"Forte" is Italian, it means "forcefully."
And "fort" is French for "strength."
But I still say "forte" too.
If you say "fort,"
everyone thinks you're getting it wrong,
even though it is correct.
So is that, like, your thing?
Correcting people's pronunciation?
- Yeah, that's my thing.
- How's that going for you?
I have a dead-end job,
live in my sister's attic,
and I never go out.
Uh, correcting pronunciation
is my old thing.
Actually, my new thing
is over-sharing.
- Heh.
- Here, try some of Allan's beer.
Thank you.
You actually knocked yourself out?
- I think so.
- Wow.
And I'll tell you
something really weird.
My face is, like,
permanently damaged.
Like, if you look up here,
you can see there's, like...
- I think there's, like, a dent.
- Sort of like, uh, Quasimodo.
Yeah.
So, um, I've got to go
to the bathroom.
Do you need anything,
like some dental floss,
or, you know, um, expired aspirin?
No, but I've left
a matchbox in there,
and I was hoping women
[LAUGHS]
Uh, I'll just go around with,
like, a party tray.
No, they'll be in there.
It'll be fine.
- I'm stuffing a pillow.
- Okay.
[MOANING]
WALLACE:
Oh. Hey.- Oh. Hi.
I was just, um, leaving
without saying goodbye, like a dick.
Yeah. Yeah, that's totally
what I am doing as well.
- Heh.
- Oh.
- Where are you...?
- Oh, um,
I'm just, like,
- Me too.
- Oh.
- Uh, would you like to walk together?
- Um, yeah. Sure.
Cool.
I read in the tabloids
that she's a cannibal
- and he faked Parkinson's for attention.
- I read that too. Crazy.
Awful people. Really.
Um, this is actually me here.
Oh. Right. Um, well, hey,
I had a really good time talking to you.
Yeah. Me too.
Which is rare, actually.
I'm usually not that social, so...
Well, um,
maybe you'd like
to talk again sometime.
Yeah, definitely.
We should hang out.
Yeah. It'd be lovely.
Okay, so, I'm gonna
give you my number.
- Okay. I will...
- Top secret.
Good.
I did not mean to stay out so late.
No, me neither.
My boyfriend will be worried about,
um, what happened to me,
so, you know, call me.
Yes. Thank you very much. Um...
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice meeting you.
- Cool.
- Good night.
Good night.
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
WALLACE:
I had a good time talking to you.
CHANTRY:
Yeah. Me too.
My boyfriend will be wondering
what happened to me.
[CHIRPING]
Hey, what's up, Felix?
- You all right?
- Just dropped an earring.
Your dinner's in the oven.
- Good night.
- What time will you be home?
If the date is good, midnight.
If the date is bad, 8.
Uh, no treats, okay?
And no horror movies.
And don't let him go up on the roof.
And don't sell his organs
on the black market.
Okay. I'm off.
WALLACE:
Take care. Have fun. Good luck.
[MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY
ON TV]
MAN 1 [ON TV]:
Unh.- Clear!
All right, mate, close your eyes.
MAN 2 [ON TV]:
Clear.
Aah!
Okay, you can open them again.
[GROWLING]
[DOOR OPENS]
[GROANS]
[SIGHS]
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON TV]
[ELLIE SIGHS]
CHANTRY:
Thank you.
NARRATOR:
Nothing gave Buttercupas much pleasure
BUTTERCUP:
Farm boy?
Polish my horse's saddle.
I want to see my face
shining in it by morning.
WESTLEY:
As you wish.
NARRATOR:
"As you wish"was all he ever said to her.
Thank you.
[HORN HONKS]
MAN:
Hey. Need a ride?CHANTRY:
Oh, hey.Hey. Um, no, I think we're okay.
Thanks. Yeah.
Sorry, I didn't see you there.
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"What If" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 25 Apr. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/what_if_23275>.
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