Toilet Stories Page #5

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Mrs. Schohusen.

It's not the money, Mr. Tapken.

Willi's moving into a home soon.

Into a home?

A nursing home.

He moves in six weeks.

Then he must go, I understand.

You don't think I want him gone?

I'm not inferring that, Mrs. Schohusen.

You have to know what's best.

His nurse only comes twice a day

for 15 minutes.

That's the thanks you get

for paying insurance all these years.

The way this looks,

you have no choice anyway.

Willi can't even shower here.

Even though

great home-care setups do exist.

Our healthcare policies are scandalous.

I don't understand politics at all.

- Who does nowadays?

My Willi was interested in politics before

it became too much for his blood pressure.

Is it really necessary for male politicians

to bring their boyfriends on state visits?

That's how the world is these days,

Mrs. Schohusen.

It's terrible in those nursing homes.

What do you mean?

Just what kind of men do you think

are drawn to this female profession?

God!

That's how it is nowadays.

But nurses in general are paid so little,

you're lucky if they even speak German.

Willi already had a stroke

because of that minaret and everything.

The doctor said

the fat was mostly to blame.

I'm a good cook.

You have to believe me.

Of course, Mrs. Schohusen.

Even so,

Willi still has six weeks here at home.

That counts, too.

He should be comfortable on the toilet.

We can do that with a cheap model.

That'd be lovely.

I know how much those homes cost.

If I knew Willi was moving out soon,

I would've never suggested the Washlet-G.

You'd only do that if you didn't want

strangers taking care of him.

I don't want that.

- I know. I know,

Mrs. Schohusen.

I'll cross my fingers

they let you keep the house a bit longer,

considering all the costs you'll soon have.

We still have our savings, Mr. Tapken.

If you help us,

Willi might not have to go at all.

First, an enema.

Bring me some muesli bars, please.

Ludmilla? A coffee for me.

Three tablespoons of sugar and no milk,

if you'd be so kind. - Sure, doctor.

We'll place the urine in your intestine.

First, we need to flush it out to ensure

it won't be expelled by a bowel movement.

That'll also prevent

E.coli bacteria from contaminating...

the sample.

They check for that too?

Count on it.

Don't underestimate our enemy.

I suggest

you go and kneel by the toilet.

The enema can work fast.

OK, Doc.

Pants down?

After your little refreshment, gentlemen,

please allow me to introduce myself.

They call me, "Le Dude."

A "stage name," if you will,

that they gave lo me in Algeria.

Lgion d'honneur.

Foreign legion.

That was long ago.

I'll kill you, man.

- Not likely.

Since only one of you, only one,

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