Todd Glass: Act Happy Page #4

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But a pizza oven?

Sure, I understand it's my fault

if I hit him.

But I gotta get him tacos?

That doesn't make sense!

Sure, I hit the guy's car,

I want to take responsibility for it,

but I gotta get a five speed blender?

Yes, it's my fault, but I gotta

get him a pasta maker...

Put a button on it, goddammit!

Is that public domain?

Thank you.

You never know with these guys.

They think I'm rich.

Talking to me before the show...

"Make sure your songs are public domain!"

Great. I'll sing, "This old man

had a boat," whatever that song....

This old man, he played da

He played knick knack on his van

With a knick knack paddy whack

Give a dog a bone

This old man came rolling home!

Know what? Ladies and Gentlemen,

bring it down a bit...

Many don't know I'm famous for improv',

I might poke fun at it

I can improv' songs

about people in the first row.

I'm pretty good.

Look at this guy wearing a suit

He's got a red tie, he a black suit

You've a bow tie, you have brown

You have a red dress

You have glasses, you red hair

You a tattoo, you're brunette

You've got that and you're doing that

Everybody's wearing this

You wear that, you that,

You have that and you do this

You do that and you do this,

Everybody does this, you do that

This is public domain

I sing public domain songs

cos they're free

Don't give a sh*t

Don't wanna spend a lot

Da da dada da da da

Hello, everybody. I'm Johnny Cash.

QVC, it's better than you think!

You have to genuinely

start watching QVC.

Not just passing it by,

saying, "I get it. They make..."

It's sad! It is truly sad.

There's no way

the people who call in are real.

They're like, "I love your show."

What show

Why am I mad they think it's a show?

Cos I don't think they're real.

I think they're producers.

Nobody is calling in, "I love your show."

I'd like to meet one of those people.

"What's your favorite episode?"

"I love the one where they talk

about the vacuum for an hour." Oh...

"Oh, you have problems.

What's your other favorite shows?"

"I like the mall."

"Oh, you think stores are shows? OK!

"I understand."

It's more sad than anything.

They go, "Oh, you can get these pants

on FlexPay."

I promise you this is true.

It sounds too sad, pants on FlexPay.

I understand a vacuum. But sweatpants?

They go, "8.88 a month."

They act like it's you only have to pay

that one bill.

Cos you got your pants on FlexPay,

every month you get your bill,

"OK... Got my 8.88!"

The rest of my paycheck

I'll go have fun with.

If you're putting pants on FlexPay,

you've already been at the end

of your financial rope.

You've already put sh*t on a credit card.

No one starts with pants

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