Todd Glass: Act Happy Page #3

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I go so far out of my way

to stage my refrigerator.

People come, mention it, I act...

It's embarrassing to talk about.

I really do it. I'm not stopping.

People go,

"Oh, milk in a glass container!"

I go, "I was in a hurry, grabbing stuff,

putting it in. I didn't notice."

Meanwhile, I've been refilling it

with cheaper milk for years.

I just ad lib this stuff,

I'm not worried about it.

No, that has nothing to do with that.

That's band cues. I don't give a sh*t.

Are you mad I don't give a sh*t?

Can you tell? Seriously.

If I gave a sh*t, would I sit...

Would I be here like this?

If you were walking down the street

and saw a guy leaning against the wall,

be honest, if he was like this...

You'd think he didn't give a sh*t.

I wanna be like them, not give a sh*t.

I'll sniff. Catch sh*t. "Throw me stuff."

I'll catch it and talk about other stuff.

"Throw me those keys.

We going to the mall?"

"Oh my God! He caught that,

he's already talking here".

It'd be about catching it, you know?

How about guys who get into

a take it easy fight? That's sad.

Ever see two guys get in one?

"Take it easy."

"I am. You take it easy!"

You know what this is, don't you?

They aren't in touch with their emotions.

Neither wants the other to know

he's got the best of him.

They act like they're taking it easy,

anyone watching from two feet away,

"I don't think either one's

taking it easy!"

"Take it easy." "I'm taking it easy!

You f***ing take it easy!"

"You take it easy!"

One guy probably gets his wife.

"Tell him I'm taking it easy."

"He is. He doesn't want to argue.

You should see him upset."

Why would I lie?

People say that too. "Why would I lie?"

To get out of something!

What, did you hope I was an idiot?

That's like when a detective,

you see real interrogation footage,

they go, "Why would I murder my family?

It's my family!"

Are they hoping

to get the world's dumbest detective?

"Yeah, why would you? Get out of here!

I didn't think of that."

Later, he's talking

to the other detectives.

They're like, "What happened to that guy?"

"He made a good point.

Why would you murder your family?"

"People do!"

"Sh*t, I didn't think of that. Get him."

"He's probably by the kerb area."

Do something.

Nah, it's too late.

I hit a food truck recently. True story.

I hit a food truck and uh...

I don't think there should be food trucks.

I hit the food truck

and broke the guy's bumper.

I understand having to pay for it,

my insurance company says...

I gotta get him a deep fryer, too?

That doesn't make sense!

What are you gonna do?

Sure, I understand

it's my fault I hit the truck.

If I gotta get him a tail light, I will.

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