Tig Notaro Happy To Be Here Page #4

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"I just walked in

on a very precious moment.

What a sweet, sweet moment

I'm witnessing."

Nobody would've thought,

"This is... This is...

on the verge of a hanging."

If Stephanie walked in

and Fluff was hanging...

I guarantee she wouldn't just be like,

"Oh, yeah, of course, you hung the cat."

She'd be like, "You hung the cat?

Walk me through how you hung the cat."

All right. Well, I was standing here.

I was dangling ribbons and...

and again having a great time,

I was pulling the ribbon out of her way.

She couldn't even grab it.

You know, I was in full control.

But then, somehow,

the ribbons started to lower.

And it started to wrap around her neck...

more and more, tighter and tighter.

I could not turn the ship around.

Fluff sees something out

of the corner of her eye,

darts in that direction, I yank her back,

boom, hung by night-night ribbons.

Stephanie is the funniest person

I've ever met in my life...

and none of these things were a joke.

These are all just real responses to life.

[sighs]

We are...

the very proud parents

of two tiny baby boys.

-[cheering]

-And...

It is very exhausting to have a baby,

and then we have twins,

so the more you add to the equation,

as many of you know, it's exhausting.

And maybe three weeks into their lives...

It was four in the morning or so.

We were lying in bed.

At that point, we were still feeding them

every couple of hours.

And just, our eyes are rolling

in the back of our heads, exhausted,

and Stephanie turned

and asked...

"How do you have sex with a baby?"

And I said, "You don't!"

And that was the beginning

of a ten-minute long misunderstanding.

"What do you mean

you don't have sex with a baby?"

"What do you mean what do I mean?

What are we talking about?

Who did I marry?"

I've wanted... I've wanted...

Whenever I tell that joke,

I always think,

I know there are people in the audience

that are like...

"That's not funny.

Why are they laughing?

You don't have sex with a baby."

Then their friends are like,

"Well, you do eventually."

[mumbles]

"Who am I friends with?

What is happening?"

You know, just in good time,

you finally start having sex...

with a baby.

We're missing each other here.

And then even still right now,

there are people in the room going...

"No, you don't."

I've wanted to be a parent

for a very long time,

and it is such a tremendous experience,

and...

I feel like Stephanie

and I are doing a great job.

I really do. And...

I do, but I also feel

like it would be reasonable

if somebody had called

Child Protective Services...

a couple of times.

A couple of times. You know, it happens.

You have a rough day or a weird day.

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