Tig Notaro: Boyish Girl Interrupted Page #5

they were offering

a really good deal

on burial plots.

I ended up getting six

for a thousand dollars."

He said,

"I got one for your mother,

I got one for me,

I got one for you,

I got one

for your brother,

and then I got two extras."

Man:

Whoo!

I said, "That is serious

bargain shopping

just to toss in

two extra burial plots."

And he said, "Well,

I thought I would

get those

in case you or your brother,

if you had partners one day."

And I said,

"Oh, well, thank you,

but still..."

So my girlfriend and I

pull up to the graveyard,

we get out of the car...

we walk over,

we're standing there.

She's looking around.

She said,

"This is really beautiful."

She said, "So is it just--

is it just this right here?"

And I said, "Well..."

( exhales )

"That's the thing, um...

When my mother died,

they were offering

a really good deal.

Six plots

for a thousand dollars.

So my stepfather...

my mother,

she's just buried right here,

but he got hers,

and then one for him,

he got one for me,

he got one for my brother.

And then, um...

He got two extras...

...in case we had partners.

So, um...

I guess, um...

I guess that's where

you'll be gay buried.

Barefoot in Mississippi,

just like you always

imagined."

She thought it was

some twisted marriage

proposal.

After my mother passed away,

I was diagnosed

with bilateral breast cancer,

um, but I have not

told anybody yet.

( audience laughs )

You're the first people

to find out.

Wow, that's

a very cold response.

( sighs )

I ended up having

a double mastectomy,

and, um,

before my surgery,

I was already relatively

flat-chested.

And, uh, I made so many jokes

over the years

about how small

my b*obs were

that I started to think

that maybe

my b*obs overheard me...

and were just like,

"Pfft.

You know what?

We're sick of this.

Let's kill her."

I'm always thrown off

by the clapping.

Whoo, take her down!

I did a show

where this woman

sat front row

with her arms crossed

shaking her head at me.

And I said,

"Is there something wrong?"

And she said,

"You should end your jokes

with 'I'm just kidding.'"

Oh, right, right.

I don't know

why I never thought

about that.

That is a great idea.

I'm just kidding.

I'm not kid--

I really did have cancer,

I just-- I don't really

think that my b*obs

were conspiring

to kill me.

That I'm kidding about.

( sighs )

Yeah.

Oh, we remember.

Before I had

my double mastectomy,

I, um-- I would sometimes

be mistaken for a man.

And, um, that's fine.

But then after the surgery,

it went up a bit.

I was going through security

at the airport

and, um...

they said,

"Female assist,"

which means they have

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