This Is Where I Leave You Page #3

Stop it.

...To make sure that nobody gets hurt.

Phillip.

Take care. I'll see you guys soon. Be good.

What's that? What are you writing?

What? Oh, I'm just jotting down

a few thoughts.

- Oh, God help us.

- Relax. It's not about you.

- It's always about us.

- Tell that to my shrink.

- Fine. Satisfied?

- Great. Thank you.

What happens now?

We haven't been together for ages,

so why don't you just take some time...

...you know, to catch up?

And b*tches out there don't faze me

You gonna get that?

A ho is a ho

A b*tch is a b*tch is a b*tch, so

Thanks for the music.

Maybe you got a vibrate switch

on that thing. Just an aside.

Hey.

Are phone calls allowed?

What? Oh, no, no, no. No, we're

just sitting in an awkward silence.

She's here.

And by "she" he means...?

What's going on? What's happening?

Who is that? Is that his lawyer?

Is Phillip in trouble again?

When is he not in trouble?

- Okay, that's not his lawyer.

- Oh.

Why not? It would be so like Phillip

to be doing his lawyer.

Let's go.

Go. Go.

- He's coming.

- Everyone.

- This is Tracy.

- Ha, ha.

- Hey, Tracy.

- Hi. Hi. Hi.

- My fiance.

- What?!

- Oh, boy.

- Engaged to be engaged, actually.

Oh.

I'm so sorry to be meeting you all

under such sad circumstances.

I'm making a poopie.

- Oh. I love doing that.

- Okay. We are on the goal line.

London just keeps moving

the goalposts back.

That's Barry. He's a bit of an ass.

- Phillip.

- It's okay. He can't hear us.

- This is my brother Judd.

- Hi. Pleasure.

- My sister, Wendy.

- Hi.

Oldest brother, Paul.

- His wife, Annie.

- Hi! Tracy!

- Welcome to the family! You're gorgeous!

- Thank you.

Get out while you still can. Heh-heh-heh.

Funny story. Annie used to be

Judd's girlfriend, back in the day.

Phillip, that's enough.

And this, of course, is my mother,

Hilary Altman.

Mrs. Altman.

It is a tremendous honor to meet you.

Your book, Cradle and All,

was a really important book for me.

- Agh.

- Heh-heh-heh.

My children are not very proud

of my life's work.

All right. Not now, Mom.

Every kid in Paul's class knew that he

used to jerk off with an oven mitt.

- That never happened.

- It happened.

Every guy I met expected me to put out.

You had a very healthy sexual curiosity.

Which you documented in detail

after reading my diary.

- Secrets are cancer to a family.

- Oy.

Well, Cradle and All was the inspiration

for my dissertation.

So I would like to think that your family's

dysfunction helped me to get my Ph.D. Heh.

- Tracy is also a therapist, Mom.

- I gathered.

- Heh.

- She was my therapist, actually.

Naturally, once we realized we had feelings for

each other, I referred him to a colleague.

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