The Young Offenders Page #6

It's Mam.

You gonna answer it?

Have her call me a f***ing

moron?

- No, thanks.

- Conor, you f***ing moron.

Where are ya? You promised me.

Oh.

Call me back straightaway.

It's definitely deep enough.

- How d'you know?

- You can just tell.

But, like, I can see

the rocks, like.

Nah. Perspective is different

when water is on it.

The rocks are actually,

like, really far down.

Magnifies things, water does.

- OK, well, um...

- You go first, alright.

Can you swim, though?

Yeah.

I can swim, and I can swim

pretty well, boy.

- You can't swim at all.

- Who told you that?

It's going all over

the place, like.

"It's going all over the place?"

Everyone is saying I can't swim?

- Well, pretty much, yeah.

- That's bullshit, like.

Do you not know what people

call you in school?

- What?

- 'Finding Nemo'.

'Cause he's got

that f***ing gammy fin, like.

They don't call me

'Finding Nemo'.

They call you Nemo. Like,

'Finding Nemo's the title.

- F*** off. Do they actually?

- A little bit, like.

All I'm saying is if we go down

by the steps,

you can have a nice little

paddle, do your own thing.

No, we're not going

in the f***ing steps.

The old man's gonna think we're

f***ing pussies. Look at him.

We need to jump in from here.

Alright, if we're gonna

jump in, though,

we better do it together.

- OK?

- Together?

Yeah.

F*** it. Alright.

- So, on three.

- Alright.

You ready?

One... two... three.

Hey! There's only 2ft of water.

You'll break your legs

if you jump in there.

In God's name.

Crime is sort of similar

to going for a swim in the sea.

First you dip your toe in

and it's a bit cold,

but before long you're in

up to your balls and...

- It's actually really warm.

- So warm.

That's it, boy. Come on. Oh!

- It's been a while since I swam.

- OK, just kick your feet.

Jock was always

the one teaching me things.

- F*** off!

- How to smoke cigarettes.

How to shotgun a can of beer.

How to pick a lock.

It was nice

to be able to teach him

something for a change.

That's it, boy! You got it!

- I'm like a seal.

- Like a seal.

And I'm like a whale. Ah!

Argh!

Should we go back in?

Yeah, come on. Ah!

- What's the matter with you?

- It's Conor.

He's gone missing right when

I need to go to the dentist.

- You alright?

- Aye, typical sh*t with him.

I had a fight and he's gone.

He's just, you know...

What were you fighting about?

Do I ask you what you're doing

with all the fish heads?

- No.

- No.

'Cause it's none

of my business, is it?

No.

I learnt everything I know

about customer service

from me mam.

Ah, sorry. Here, look.

Have another fish head.

- A salmon one.

- It's on the house.

- Thanks very much.

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