The Ugly Truth: The Art of Laughter - A Making of Hilarious Proportions Page #3

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I've been looking through

some books.

Smart Women,

Foolish Choices. Ehh!

Men Who Love Women

Who Hate Them. Ehh!

And Women Hating Men

Who Loved Women

Who Hate Loving Men. Huh?

Billions and billions wasted

on psychobabble bullshit.

Now, listen up, ladies, because

I'm only gonna say this once

and it is just

three little words.

[CHUCKLES]

Men are simple.

We cannot be trained.

All this

"Men are from Venus" crap

is a waste of your time

and money.

You wanna be a lonely hag,

then that's fine,

keep reading

these stupid books.

But you want a relationship,

then here's how you get one:

It's called a Stairmaster.

Get on it, and get skinny,

and get some trashy lingerie

while you're at it,

because at the end of the day,

all we're interested

in is looks.

And no one falls in love

with your personality

at first sight.

We fall in love

with your tits and your ass,

and we stick around because

of what you're willing

to do with them.

So you wanna win a man over,

you don't need 10 steps,

you need one,

and it's called a blowj*b.

And don't forget to...

[SCOFFS]

Okay? Now, let's

take the first caller.

[WOMAN]:

How dare you burn those books.

They've helped my personal life

more than I can say.

What's your boyfriend's name,

princess?

[WOMAN]:
Well,

I'm not seeing anyone right now.

My point exactly, Shrek.

Next caller.

You're on the air.

So you're saying that men

are incapable of love?

Oh, did I burst your little

harlequin romance bubble?

What? Come on.

The only thing you burst

is your credibility.

Men are completely capable

of experiencing love.

Okay, I'll bite.

Go on. Who's the guy?

- What?

- The guy. Mr. Wonderful.

The one who's

so capable of love.

Who is he? What's he like?

He's smart, he's handsome

but he doesn't know it.

He's successful, but in a job

that means something.

[SNORING]

He loves red wine, picnics,

classical music.

Mm, this is a guy

in America, right?

I mean, you're not calling

from Europe or something?

He loves dogs,

but he's more of a cat person.

He never gets up before you

on a Sunday morning.

Wait a second, I get it.

You're a lesbian.

- What?

- Well, you must be.

I mean, you just described

the perfect woman.

Why are you so threatened

by these qualities?

Is it perhaps because you don't

possess a single one of them

and that is the real reason

why women aren't

interested in you? Hm?

Okay. Okay, I'll give you

to go get this guy

and bring him down here

and let me meet him.

Well, he's out there,

somewhere.

Wait a second.

You're not even

dating this guy?

No, I'm describing a type.

I thought that's

what we were doing.

Ha-ha-ha! What?

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