The Ritual Page #3

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Little off-trail hiking.

Could be exciting.

Might even do us some good.

We could be kicking back

by the evening time.

I think we need this.

Look, why don't me and you

leave them here with the food

and then we can go back,

get some help?

No f***ing way you're leaving us

on this f***ing mountain.

I can walk. All right?

If you know a quicker route,

let's do it.

(PANTING)

- How's the knee, Dom-Dom?

- Killing me. How's your mum?

Unnecessary, innit?

- Are there bears in this forest?

- Course there's f***ing bears.

Big bastards as well.

DOM:
Should have gone to Vegas.

PHIL:
You'd have found something

to fall over in Vegas, too.

DOM:
Yeah, a massive pile of tits.

Shithouse.

Everything in this bastard country

is a relic.

Strange place to park, innit?

My next door neighbour's

got one of those.

My eldest is absolutely

obsessed by it.

I got a hand job in one of those once,

at a festival.

Thanks, Phil. What a beautiful story.

- We sure this is a good idea?

- What's up? You scared of the woods?

DOM:
Now, is it me

or is it really quiet in here?

All right, don't sh*t your pants.

The trees soak up the sound.

That's what trees do.

DOM:
Hiking was easier yesterday.

LUKE:
We weren't

in the forest yesterday.

DOM:
No, we bloody weren't.

The sooner we get going,

the sooner we get to the town,

the sooner we get to the bar,

the sooner we get drunk.

The Swedes were big into logging,

until the 1950s.

- Then they decided to pack it in.

- That's interesting.

Which is why Sweden is

an untouched land of natural beauty

and Britain is a car park.

DOM:
If you love Sweden so much,

why don't you marry it?

Right, time out.

Dom, what did Gayle say

when you told her you were

going on a hiking holiday?

She said, "Who are you?

What have you done with my husband?"

Oh, here we go, photo op.

- Here we go.

- (CHUCKLES) Scott of the Antarctic.

- F***ing Amelia Earhart over there.

- Wallop.

Yes, that's it.

Let's get a selfie while we're here.

- DOM:
Selfie? Really?

- You too, Luke, come on.

- Let's preserve this magic moment.

- It's a beautiful thing.

Here we go.

Everyone get in.

One, two, three, and Brexit.

- (LENS CLICKS)

- Boom.

- Yes.

- Yeah, yeah, four twats in a forest.

Yeah.

(TWIGS SNAP)

My stomach is beginning to eat itself.

Yeah, I could do a steak.

Big fat, juicy steak.

One peppercorn sauce,

one hand-cooked chips.

Side salad. Nice tumbler of Scotch.

And a big fat cigar at the end.

PHIL:
Ah, man, I could go for some

sushi right now.

Yeah, some red wine instead of white.

Lashings of wasabi.

Big Mac, plastic tray, by myself,

no-one to talk to.

- Can I have a kebab, please, mate?

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