The Rise and Rise of Michael Rimmer Page #3

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Basically, the consumer strongly dislikes

the taste of your product.

Furthermore, its extreme hardness

makes it almost impossible to eat.

- Very true.

- Nobody knows this better

than us, Mr Rimmer.

I don't think there's any cause

for worry, though.

With the right sort of campaign

we can make a virtue

out of these defects.

(# STYLISH 'JET-SET' MUSIC)

(SMOOTH MASCULINE VOICEOVER)

What's keeping him?

Why doesn't he come?

Suddenly she remembers

her tube of Scorpios.

(# FEMALE CHORUS

Scorpio... Scorpio...)

(# Scorpio... Scorpio...)

The refreshing hardness

tingles on her tongue.

(# Scorpio... Scorpio...)

She doesn't need him any more.

Enjoy yourself

with a Scorpio.

(# Scorpio!)

Good God! Is that our old humbug?

(FERRET) Here's the coffee

you asked for, sir.

(RIMMER) It was tea, Ferret.

Ah. Tea, was it?

Well, I think there may be

some tea in it.

(TANYA) Good morning, Mr Rimmer.

(RIMMER) Morning, Tanya.

- Morning.

- Morning, Mr Rimmer.

(PUMER) What are your plans

for this week, sir?

(RIMMER) Please call me Michael.

- Oh. Thank you, Michael.

This week, I thought we'd

concentrate on sex.

- Oh. Good idea.

- Yes!

I'd like to suggest

an all-embracing probe

into British sexual habits.

Isn't that rather close

to the wind?

(RIMMER) Well, I don't know about

your personal sexual habits, Mr Crodder

but there is wide

public interest in the subject.

(CRODDER) My sexual habits?

- I don't want anyone enquiring in...

(RIMMER) In yours, and everybody else's.

I think an honest and extremely

detailed investigation of this kind

is the quickest way

of getting us onto the front pages.

Hear, hear!

(CRODDER) Excuse me. We're

conducting a poll

into the sexual habits

of the British.

Oooh! Come on in...

(BUBBLING)

(PUMER) Hello. I wonder

if you could help me?

We're doing this sex survey...

(FACTORY HOOTER OBSCURES

EMPHATIC REPLY)

How many times a week?

You're joking!

The last time was Tuesday...

June the 3rd, 1953.

It was the Coronation

that got her going.

Oh, it's quite enjoyable work.

But it's not really my profession,

you know.

No, I regard it more as a sort

of stepping-stone to show business.

(MUFFLED GROAN FROM CLOSET)

Oh, Mr Mandeville.

I'd forgotten all about you!

(FRUITILY) It's a pleasure!

(CRODDER) Five times an hour!

(FEDERMANN) Why are they always in Latin?

(PUMER) I thought this one

was a cough linctus.

(RIMMER) Keep it up.

(MRS FERRET) If you spent a little less time

reading about sex

and a little more time

doing something about it!

I do.

Err, err, I mean I don't.

I'm reading about the Pound.

On the floor again.

- Well, I must be off to work.

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