The Rise and Rise of Michael Rimmer

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(# INTRO TO MAIN THEME BEGINS QUIETLY)

(INTRO FADES)

I'd like to see the managing director

please. Buffery's the name.

Just one moment...

(CLICKS INTERCOM SWITCH)

Mr Ferret?

(FERRET) (OVER INTERCOM)

With cream, please.

No, Mr Ferret.

But I always have cream.

And sugar.

There's a Mr Buffery to see you.

Oh. Send him up, please.

Third floor, please.

Yes?

Yes.

(# MAIN 'RIMMER' THEME)

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

(DOOR OPENS)

Mr Ferret?

Oooh!

(CHAIR SMASHES)

Just popped in to cancel our contract.

Good morning. You all right?

Mr, er...

- Rimmer, sir. 'Co-ordination'.

- Ah, yes.

Keep it up. Vital work.

Thank you.

'Co-ordination'?

I'll read those figures back again.

That's, er...

two pounds to win on 'Lively Lady'

and, er... a fiver on 'The Groper'.

- Ah.

- It's Mr Federmann, isn't it?

That's right. Yes.

Thank you.

(RIMMER) Mr Pumer?

Yes.

- Who are you?

- Rimmer. 'Co-ordination'.

- Ah.

- Please carry on.

Hello again, Mr Federmann.

Ah, hello.

(DOOR REFUSES TO LOCK)

(TOILET FLUSHES AFTER SEVERAL ATTEMPTS)

Ah, well. Back to the grindstone.

(RIMMER) It's, er Mr, er...?

- Crodder.

(RIMMER) ...Crodder.

(EMPHATICALLY) Crodder!

Is nothing sacred?

(CRODDER) Extraordinary thing

just happened in the toilet.

I was just going in and there's

a fellow there with a stop-watch.

That's Mr Rimmer. 'Co-ordination'.

Is he one of those ghastly

time-and-motion people?

I think he's working

for Mr Fairburn himself.

- Hello.

- Oh, morning.

- Can't hang about. Lots to do.

- Of course.

(TANYA) Mr Fromage and

Mr Waring, Mr Ferret.

Ah.

(FERRET) Good morning...

Well, you've come about

the advertising, I suppose?

Just over six months ago you undertook

our new advertising campaign.

We heard from you for

the first time yesterday.

You sent us some slogans

for advertising our dog food.

Good.

We don't make dog food, Mr Ferret.

(EMPHATICALLY) We... make... humbugs.

Oh.

And you're not thinking of

branching out into dog foods?

No.

(WITH MOUNTING ANGER) And if we were,

we would want something

more original than Woof makes

doggies bounce with health!

(RIMMER) We are working on a new

presentation concept, Mr Waring.

Mr Ferret will have it ready next week.

One week it is.

Make a note of that, Tanya.

(# TANGO 'LA CUMPARSITA'

FROM RECORD PLAYER)

(STOP-WATCH CLICKS)

(PUMER) Tango...

- Ah, yes.

My wife and I have been selected

for the South-East.

Congratulations!

Thank you.

I practise in the coffee-break.

Of course.

I don't have coffee...

Good Lord!

Well, coffee-break over.

(MUSIC COMES TO AN END)

(RIMMER) Thank you.

- Fine.

(FERRET) Thank you, Tanya.

That will be all for now... I'm afraid.

All right, Mr Ferret.

(RIMMER) If it's alright by you, sir,

I'll take over the office next door.

Oh, good. Yes.

Look, I tell you what

why don't you take it over?

Thank you.

Well, must be off.

- Time waits for no man.

- Yes.

(TANYA YELPS IN SURPRISE)

(FERRET) What have you done

to my water, Tanya?

(TANYA) The water board

have cut it off, sir.

(FERRET) Whatever did we do to them?

(TANYA) We never paid them, sir.

(FERRET) Money, money, money.

Whatever's the world coming to?

See you in the pub, later.

(PUMER) 'Night, Mr Ferret.

- Goodnight.

(TANYA) 'Night, Mr Ferret.

- Goodnight.

(FERRET) They'll be cutting off

the electricity next.

(FERRET GASPS

AS HE BANGS HIS NECK)

(RIMMER) Hello.

(FERRET) Oh, Mr Rimmer.

I was just conducting

a little experiment.

On the effect on office efficiency

of total darkness.

(RIMMER) Oh, yes.

I shouldn't bother to tell Mr Fairburn.

He's a little out of touch

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