The Onion Movie Page #4

But wait! If you order by credit card

in the next 15 minutes...

we'll throw in the second video, where the stars

turn the tables and roast Bud himself.

You know what I think you are?

A f***ing piece of sh*t!

New tapes will arrive

every other month.

Keep only those you like and return the rest

for a full refund. Order today!

I f***ed his wife!

In the ass!

Whoo!

From Global Tetrahedron Pictures...

Steven Seagal is... Cockpuncher!

Awesome.

Decadent, immoral, Western filth!

Ooh.

Awesome.

Decadent, immoral, Western filth!

Cockpuncher.

Welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team.

This training video will teach you

what angry slogans to scream.

Death to the godless sh*t beasts!

How to blend into

a typical American city.

Yeah.

And so much more.

Here are Ahmed and Ahman.

They may be brothers,

but they couldn't be more different.

Ahmed knows punctuality

is important.

He makes sure to leave plenty of time

to get to his bombing site.

Death to the godless sh*t beasts!

Ahman leaves everything

to the last minute.

Oh, sh*t!

Ahmed double-checks the address of

the bombing site so there are no mistakes.

Ahman doesn't.

Oh, sh*t!

Ahmed dresses properly for work...

wearing clothing that is loose

enough to hide his explosives.

Ahman dresses inappropriately.

Ooh.

And don't forget, as a martyr...

you'll receive eternal life in paradise

for you and 100 of your relatives.

You'll be blessed with

unlimited sex from 72 virgins-

- Awesome.

- Thirty-five U.S. dollars and a bunch more weed.

- Awesome.

- So welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team...

where work is truly a blast.

Oh, sh*t!

Death to godless sh*t beasts!

- I'm gonna call Sarah.

- Yeah.

- Hey, guys. How's it going?

- What took you so long?

I was playing Suicide Bomber.

Have you heard from Tim tonight?

- No.

- No? That's weird.

I was gonna call Sarah.

Yeah, yeah! What's up, playas?

Lake Shore Bluff represent! Yeah!

Show some love, fool!

Hey, Tim.

Damn! LittleJ...

you are lookin' mad fly, boo.

- You feel me?

- Sure, Tim.

I just bounced from this

mad, crazy, ill party, dude.

I was hangin' out with these niggas

over in Pleasant Oaks and sh*t.

You were hanging out

with real black people?

No, but they was blastin'

some crazy, phat beats, son!

They was pourin' out some Cristal...

breakin' off some endo smoke.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Just wildin' out!

- Yeah.

- Yo, I'm gonna score me a bag of Doritos.

Y'all straight?

Yeah? All right.

Code Two. Code Two.

Intersection of 12th and Grand.

We have visual confirmation

on the suspect.

- This is Unit One.

- Hit it.

All possible units, please respond.

And this booty that was like-

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