The Onion Movie

You can always count on

the Onion to get the story.

It's America's finest news source.

And now, the Onion News...

America's finest news source.

Featuring Dana Dobbs...

senior correspondent, Kip Kendall...

and award-winning anchor,

Norm Archer.

We begin today

with news from Detroit...

where automaking giant,

American Automotive...

announced a safety recall of all

The neck belts introduced last month

in an attempt to reduce head injuries...

have been found to cause

crushed tracheas...

severe spinal damage

and violent decapitation.

Daddy's home. Hi, Dad.

Today, the U.S. military announced

an innovative new plan to draw new recruits.

You sign up right now...

you get one pair of Ozzfest tickets...

and a set of mud flaps for your truck.

Then after six months of active duty...

you are eligible to receive...

an ounce of weed.

Sweet!

And in six more months,

a bunch more weed.

You're f***in' lying.

I get some more weed?

And if you serve a tour of duty

during a foreign conflict...

you will receive

upon your discharge... this.

- A hot b*tch poster.

- Damn it! Sign me up!

The Internet went down

for three hours this morning...

plunging the nation into productivity.

The outage, which caused major work

"startages" from New York to California...

prevented an estimated

from messing around

on the Web at work.

More Onion News after this.

In a world without justice...

where the strong

prey on the weak-

One man must face

the ultimate challenge-

Master, how did they defeat me?

They used an ancient technique.

It strikes at the very core of a warrior's strength.

For this attack,

there is no defense.

Master, will you teach me?

- You are not yet ready, my son.

- I'm ready, master.

No, you are not.

You have much to learn.

You, young pupil...

shall become... a cockpuncher.

From Global Tetrahedron Pictures-

Steven Seagal is Cockpuncher.

Stop!

Cockpuncher.

I don't think you have the balls.

From Global Tetrahedron Pictures.

That looks awesome!

Sure does, kids.

A real whomp in the nut sack.

Honey, have you seen

my good black socks?

- Mommy, look.

- Honey?

If you see news happening,

call the Onion News hotline.

Honey, I cannot find my good black socks.

Hello? Onion News?

My baby!

We're here live with

a breaking news story.

Apparently, a local area man

has misplaced his black socks.

Mr. McCormick, would you please tell us

exactly what happened this morning?

Sure. Um, I got up.

It was a normal morning.

The kids are downstairs.

And, uh, my wife's giving 'em breakfast.

And all of a sudden, I noticed

that my good black socks are missing.

Here's your boy, ma'am,

safe and sound.

Oh. Thanks, thanks.

Look, sweetie. Look!

- The Onion News van!

- Yeah.

In other news, a local

eight-year-old accidentally...

exercised his Second Amendment

rights yesterday...

when he blew off his head

with his father's semiautomatic rifle.

The fatal incident is being hailed

by gun rights activists...

as a victory for America

and the Constitution.

- Nobody move, unless you want

your head blown off!

- You!

- Please. Please don't shoot me.

I'll give you however much you want.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You think I want money?

You think that's what this is about?

A big, angry black man

comes walking in waving a gun...

and you assume

he's robbing the place?

I ain't looking for no goddamn handout.

I'm looking for a motherfucking job, b*tch!

- Excuse me?

- You heard me! A motherfucking job!

Don't you see? If you give me money,

that'll just help me in the short term.

But a job, that'll help me develop

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