The Odd Couple II Page #3

- Me too, Oz.

- I was some kind of nut in those days.

- From pecan to pistachio.

I guess I still am.

I hate mess and I hate disorder.

I went to a hypnotist to try to cure me.

- It didn't work, right?

- No.

He was late.

I straightened up his office and left.

You better pull off the freeway.

I got to pee.

How are you doing, kid?

Are you the waiter?

What do you want?

- $5.

- Why should I give you $5?

Your friend said you would for telling

you he's locked in the bathroom.

Why did you tell him five bucks?

He would have done it for a quarter.

What freeway are

we supposed to be on?

- The 405.

- I think that sign back there said 101.

If you didn't have the brains

to pee back at the airport,

how do you know what the sign said?

Reading and peeing

are two different things.

At your age you're lucky

you can do either one.

Is your daughter like you? She's not going

to clean up after the reception, is she?

My daughter is wonderful,

and your son is damn lucky to get her.

- Let me tell you something else.

- Don't. That's why I moved to Florida.

We keep this up,

I'll be living in Guatemala.

That's fine by me.

Are you retired now?

Me? Never! I'm doing part-time

charity work at the hospital.

- You mean bed pans and stuff like that?

- No.

I read to them. I read them stories,

write letters for them, tell them jokes.

It's good for me too, you know.

After my last wife...

You've probably heard about that.

Sorry to hear that.

I heard she went quickly.

Moved out while I was asleep.

Never even left a note.

Is that three divorces now?

Three divorces,

two broken engagements,

and five women who disappeared

on the first date.

Went to the ladies' room,

never came back.

You just had some bad luck

with your personality.

I haven't given up.

Somewhere out there,

I know there is a right woman for me.

- Should I stop the car and look?

- No, but pull over, I got to eat.

I have this low sugar condition,

I have to eat every four hours.

Why didn't you eat

when we stopped at El Pollo Loco?

Because it wasn't time to eat,

it was time to pee.

Make out a timetable,

when you're going to eat, pee,

fart, cry and sleep.

That's the last time I pull off the freeway.

I suppose you never have to pee?

I do it for half hour in the morning

and then I'm through for the day.

What have you got there?

What are you doing?

How do you know which ones to take?

Doesn't make any difference.

Whatever they fix, I've got.

- Don't you take them with water?

- With the local water?

Water from around here?

Don't you know how many pesticides

they have in the local water?

Lower your voice, people in here

don't know they'll be dead in a week.

Rate this script:1.0 / 2 votes