The Next Best Thing Page #3

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St Laurent double-breasted velvet suit."

- He loved that suit.

- I love that suit.

- Oh, I love that suit.

- "Too loud," they said.

- A black suit?

"Too gay" is what they meant.

So now he's in one

of his brother's old suits.

Hugo Boss, I believe.

Death in Boss.

So the black velvet suit

is still around?

- Sorry.

- I just wish I could have

given him what he wanted.

Joe wanted to be cremated...

his ashes scattered to the wind

inJoshua Tree with...

Don McLean's "American Pie" playing

really, really loud on a boom box.

- Family said no.

- Why?

- God.

- Ask her.

Lord God,

bless this grave...

and send your angel

to watch over it.

Joe did not want

all this Gothic hocus-pocus.

- Shh.

- I feel like I'm in The Omen.

There's always great sadness

when we say goodbye to a loved one...

especially one

so beloved asJoseph...

struck down in his prime

by pneumonia.

Pneumonia. Please.

This is the hardest thing most of us

will ever have to face...

to stand at the grave

ofa loved one.

Lord, welcome our brother

to paradise...

and may Your light

shine on him.

- Amen.

- Amen.

- Ican't rememberiflcried

- Shh.

When lreadabout

his widowedbride

Butsomething touchedme

deep inside

The day

The music died

So, bye, bye

MissAmerican Pie

Drove my Chevyto the levee

But the levee wasdry

- Themgoodol'boys were drinkin '

- Goodbye,Joe.

Whiskyandrye

Singin'this'llbe

the daythat ldie

This'llbe the daythat ldie

They were singin '

Bye, bye,

MissAmerican Pie

Drove my Chevyto the levee

But the levee wasdry

Themgoodol'boys

were drinkin' whiskyandrye

Singin'this'llbe

the daythat ldie

When I die,

I don't want to be buried...

and I don't want to be burned.

Just cut me up

and stuff me in this freezer...

next to these frozen pizzas

for the next hundred years.

Robert?

What?

Hey. Robert.

It's okay.

- Please stay with me tonight.

- Yeah.

Justsixmore spots to fill.

Ourfifth finalist,

Miss Colombia!

Is Miss Colombia

clenching herjaw or what?

She's totally wired on Fen-Phen.

Hope she wins.

Do you think they're all really

popular and have boyfriends?

Ofcourse.

Look at Miss Venezuela.

She looks so happy.

You crazy?

She's got Vaseline on her teeth,

her national costume is too tight...

she's been smiling nonstop

for the last two years...

and her shoes are too small.

She reminds me

of myselfon a date.

- I can't imagine ever dating again.

- Oh, shut up.

'Course you can.

Just think of it as a pageant.

Yeah. Miss Hopeful.

Ifyou were to win

tonight's contest...

what would be your fiirst act

as Miss Universe?

Well, I would get down

on my hands and knees...

and I would promise to change

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