The Monster Squad

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(THUNDER)

(THUNDER)

(WIND HOWLS)

(WATER DRIPPING)

(BAT SCREECHING)

(SQUEAKING)

(SQUEAK)

(INSECT CHIRPING)

(BATS SQUEALING)

(NEIGHING)

(BARKING)

(SHOUTS)

(DOG BARKS)

(HORSES NEIGH)

(HISS)

Aah!

Three minutes. The girl. Now!

Let's hurry a bit, shall we?

(GIRL CHANTING IN GERMAN) Come on!

Faster, faster!

(CONTINUES CHANTING)

(THUNDER)

(CONTINUES CHANTING)

(SHOUTING)

(SCREAMING, SHOUTING)

(ROARING) (SCREAMING)

Read!

Or we're all gonna die!

Uhh...

(WHIMPERING)

(SHOUTING)

Aah!

Aah!

No! Come back

(SCREAMING)

Aah!

(SCREECHING)

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

(MAN) Well, well, well.

Are you two sitting comfortably?

Good. Now. Gentlemen.

Do you see these file folders?

The ones with your names on them?

Can you guess what's in these file folders?

I'll give you a hint.

Discipline reports.

Lots of them.

And some wonderful artwork as well.

This is...?

Spider with human head?

I'm sorry. Spider? With human head.

Yeah. He eats dogs and cats and rabbits.

Does he?

Sean thought him up. You see, Sir, we kinda have this monster club, okay?

And we draw those pictures to put on our clubhouse walls.

Correction, Mr. Crenshaw.

You draw pictures during Mrs. Carlson's science class when you're supposed to be paying attention.

Wait. I just want to say one thing.

I mean, Ms. Carlson's a nice teacher and all, but she's boring and has an odd-shaped head.

That's why Sean and the guys call her "Meow Mix,"

'cause her head's shaped like a cat head.

But I don't, Sir, 'cause... how rude.

(CHUCKLES)

Boys...

I hear you.

(CHUCKLES)

I was a kid once.

I thought monsters were cool.

And maybe, well... well, gosh... maybe I'm just a big kid, because, Sean, Patrick...

...I think science is cool.

I dig it, man.

(LAUGHS)

Now, I'm sure both of you know a great deal about monsters, but that's not the issue here. The issue is...

...science is real.

Monsters are not.

We don't know that, Sir.

God, can you believe Mr. Metzger?

Tell me about it. He touched me and patted my shoulders and stuff.

The guy was fully homo-ing out.

I smell like the '40s.

I mean, when they send you to school, why don't they tell you about the homos and people with cat heads...

Ooh! Oh!

Sorry, Mrs. Carlson.

Meow. Meow.

She's married, Sean.

Oh, my God! Some guy kisses her at night?

I mean, a priest said, "I now pronounce you man and wife," and it was okay with him?

Hey. Where's Fat Kid?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our show.

Tonight's question What makes Fat Kid fat?

Fat kid?

Get out of here, E.J.

"Get out of here, E.J." Nope.

Not a good answer. Doesn't make any sense.

Let's go to our man on the street. Derek. Hi. I'm Derek, and I'm in the street where Fat Kid is blocking traffic.

Fat Kid, can't you stop eating?

Look, I have a glandular problem, okay?

At least I don't have a... stupidity problem.

What'd you say, f*ggot? What'd you say?

My name's Horace!

Horace.

Whore-ass.

Oops. I tore it.

I guess I must have a stupidity problem.

(WHISPERS) What'd you say, f*ggot? What'd you say?

I said, "You're an a**hole."

(GASPING)

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

(CHILDREN FALL SILENT)

Hey, Rudy.

E.J.

See you met my friend Horace.

You okay?

Rudy, I, uh... Shh!

You dropped your Candy bar, E.J.

It's his.

It's your now.

(VOICE CRACKS) Rudy... Eat.

Rudy, I'm not gonna... Eat up!

And we'll call it a day.

(CHILDREN GROAN)

Look, Patrick, I told you before, Wolf man cannot drive a car. Yes, he can.

No, he can't! Yes, he can.

All I'm saying is, Sean, he could if he had to.

He could not. You're being such a dork!

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