The Legend of Awesomest Maximus

Synopsis: From the director of Revenge of the Nerds comes this outrageous sword and sandals spoof! Horny King Looney of Troy sends slacker general Awesomest Maximus to maintain peace with rival King Erotic of Greece. But when Prince Orlando, who's more into fashion than fighting, steals the King's wife Ellen to be his BFF, it's war!
Genre: Action, Comedy
Director(s): Jeff Kanew
Production: National Lampoon Productions
90 min


The world's fate

is decided by legends,

men who are larger than life,

whose tales

of bravery and courage

don't just echo

through their time,

but through all time.

And so it was

with Awesomest Maximus.

Oops. Sorry, buddy.



Even if he was

one stupid motherfucker.

Hey, Quantus,

my main man.

How's all

this stuff looking?

Good, General.

As you can see,

the odds are heavily

in our favor.

Hm. Super.

Ready to finish

this, General.

Something is amiss.

Super. Thanks, Larry.

Just go ahead

and top her off there.

Oo-oo, when!

(chuckles) Okay.

To strength

and honor.

Yeah, and beer

and blowjobs.

Wow, meow.



(grunts repeatedly)

You know, why don't we

just go with the archers.

The cavalry

is too close,


The cavalry's fine.


- Fire.

- Fire!

(arrows hitting)


(men screaming)

Probably just

move the cavalry back

a little bit

next time,

because this...


The gods foretold

that Awesomest Maximus

would one day become

the greatest general

who ever lived.

And when your destiny

has been prophecied

by the gods,

shit, you might as well

go to the titty bar

and get fucked up.

(clears throat)


Hey, Quantas.

What's up dude?

Check this out.

(makes blubbery sound)

That's awesome,


I call it

a motor boat.

- What is a motor boat?

- A boat with a motor. Duh.

- And what is a motor?

- Beats the shit out of me.


King Looney would like

to see you, sir.

King Looney,

your father-in-law.

Your wife, the princess.

Her father,

King Looney, sir?

Oh, no.

She's fine with it!

You're barbarian strippers!

You blow yaks

for a shiny pebble.

What the--

Thanks a lot,

Captain Cockblock.

What is your deal,

anyway, dude?

Don't you like tits?

I like tits.

You hate tits.

- I love tits.

- No you don't.

Yes, I do.


(man chuckling)


Girls, leave us.

But not for too long.

These pills only last

for four hours.


King Looney, ruler over all

which he surveyed.

and crazier than

a shit house rat

with syphilis in his brain.

It's good to be king,

isn't it, Sire?

Oh, yes.

Yes, indeed.

Awesomest, you're the son

I never had.

What about Orlando?

Orlando's a pussy

and I think he likes boys.

Good point.

So how's married life?

You know Hottessa.

Once a princess,

always a princess.

Yeah, just like her mother.

I think she's worried

you might name

Orlando next in line

to be king, Your Highness.

Wouldn't he technically

be queen?

(Awesomest laughing)

That's good.


Okay, let's get with it.

I want you to join

Orlando in Greece.

What's he doing

in Greece?

I want you to help him

kiss their hairy Greek asses.

And make sure he doesn't

piss them off,

so they don't send

millions of guys

over here to enslave us

and get weird

with our women.

If I may.

I can handle

this, sir.

We don't need

to bother our

great general.

I am a great general.

- Yes you are.

- Yes I am.

- I was being sarcastic.

- You were not.

The fate of Troy

is in your hands,


Okay, Looney.

I'm on it.

Forgive me, Sire, but

Awesomest can barely

handle himself.

Are you sure he's ready

for such a mission?

I mean, he's always had

the army and myself

to cover his ass.

You forget.

When Awesomest was born

the gods said he was

destined to be a legend.

But Sire, I'm not

really sure that--

We have the greatest

army in the world.

How bad can he

f*ck things up?



It was the first time

Awesomest had been sent

on an important

mission alone.

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    "The Legend of Awesomest Maximus" STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 23 Oct. 2020. <>.

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