The Lady in the Van Page #6

and one of these

was when she was putting paint on.

Jackson Pollock himself

could not have done it better.

Even with a pan scrub.

What're you doing? Get off my van!

- Yellow lines.

- Sorry?

Parking restrictions.

- Oh, what a bore.

- She'll be illegally parked.

She'll have to move.

Look. Look.

It's a removal order.

I know it's a removal order.

Well, it means

you'll have to drive on somewhere else.

But I'm disabled!

I don't always use a walking stick.

That pulls the wool over people's eyes.

But I am a bona fide resident of Camden!

And I had rheumatic fever as a child,

and mumps.

I still think you'll have

to move on. Go somewhere else.

It won't move. There's not enough juice.

- Well, I'll get you some up the road.

- I don't like their petrol!

I don't know. It could be, it could go.

It just might need a bit of coaxing.

What I'm...

What I'm worried about particularly

are the wheels.

They're under divine protection.

If I do get this other vehicle,

I'd like the wheels transferred.

- What other vehicle?

- They may be miraculous, the tyres.

They've only had to be pumped up once

since 1964.

- What other vehicle?

- They only cost me a fiver.

Miss Shepherd,

you said about another vehicle?

Hmm? Yeah, a van.

Another van?

Mmm.

Well, a newer model.

A titled Catholic lady says

she may get me one, as an act of charity.

It's Lady Wiggin.

Only she'd prefer to remain anonymous.

I'll bet she would. So, why don't

you park it outside her house?

- It's out of the question.

- There's plenty of room.

- I have neighbours!

- So have I.

So, should I not buy her another van?

- Please your f***ing self.

- What?

Mr Bennett, I've worked it out.

Mr Bennett.

The ideal solution

would be off-street parking.

You know, a driveway, possibly.

So, what are you going to do?

Play it by ear.

Oh...

Lady?

Are you there?

Is this a bad moment?

Have you got something for me?

Ow!

You bad b*tch!

You dirty, lying b*tch!

Can I help you?

Good evening to you, sir!

I'm finding myself in the vicinity.

I'm taking the opportunity

to pay my compliments to Margaret.

Margaret?

An old friend from way back.

You mean Miss Shepherd?

Shepherd, is it? Very good.

- Well, she'll be asleep.

- Of course.

I'll bid you a good night, sir.

I'll call again when my schedule permits.

Thank you.

Are you in there? Rise and shine!

- Get out, you old witch!

- What a smelly b*tch!

Come on, darling! Come on!

Excuse me. Excuse me, lads.

Who the f*** are you?

Never mind who I am.

I've got your number!

Just clear off!

I live here, and I've got your number!

An old lady lives in there. Just shove off!

Miss Shepherd?

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