The Funhouse Massacre Page #3

I am not a virgin.

I don't know why you would think that.

Laurie, my 13-year-old

cousin has the same costume.

And even she is more

sexually active than you are.

Well, I blame Tinder for that.

And who are you supposed to be?

I'm Sexy Hillary Clinton.

What? You're saying you

wouldn't vote for these in 2016?

Wow. Christina, I had no idea

you were so into politics.

The mashed potatoes are lukewarm.

The steak tastes like a charred, dirty boot.

And what the hell is it you're wearing?

I'm the Seventh Dr. Who.

- Dr. What?

- Dr. Who.

I'm asking you what is the doctor's name.

No, I know what you're

asking me, I'm trying to tell you.

Dr. Who.

Now you're just being a smart ass.

Oh, you know, I'll tell you what, Charlie,

I'm gonna take this back

to the kitchen, all right,

and we're going to make you, like,

a brand-spanking new one.

Okay? No more dirty boot.

Jackass.

I'm Machete, motherf***er.

Well, you look like Pedro from Napoleon

Dynamite, if he was into bondage.

And you, what are you?

Saturday Night Live's fever?

Wow, you intentionally

mess up that reference?

No, I'm dressed up as a real life superhero.

Me. Did you see that game last week?

Yeah, no, you're an

intramural football legend.

And what are you, gay Sherlock Holmes?

Peace offering.

I need a Charlie special.

There you go.

Jesus came back from the dead

quicker than this plate.

Sorry.

Enjoy.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Do we really need five people

waiting on Charlie?

- No, we can let Jason do it.

- Shh.

Tonight is opening night

at the Macon County Funhouse,

a haunted attraction that

has caused some controversy

in recent weeks drawing

from local urban legends.

One maze is actually based on Manuel

Dyers mass suicide 10 years ago.

Is this in poor taste, or just

good old-fashioned spooky fun?

Either way, fun starts tonight at 9:00 P.M.

Back to you, Jack.

It's just a bunch of right-wing a-holes

trying to shut down our Halloween fun.

But if these are based on real crimes, those

people could have families around here.

What if the ghosts of the cult

are lurking in the halls?

- Oh, my God, we have to go.

- I'm in.

I'm taking the trash out.

Fine, we won't go.

Then you two can just

hang out together. Alone.

I'm down to hang out if you want to.

We can do that, we can hang out.

Just the... no, we don't have to.

It's not...

I didn't say no.

No, I know. I was just saying.

Like, in case you didn't want to.

I didn't want to assume or any...

Just... what? Forget it.

What?

- I lost my boner.

- I'm gonna kill you.

At this rate, you won't

get a handsy until you're 87.

Yeah, and you're going to

have herpes for the 87th time.

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