The Comedian

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1

Excuse me.

Excuse me?

I know you.

Don't I know you?

No.

Hey, hey, hold that door!

You cold? You need something

to warm you up?

No. You know what you can do,

you can burn this whole

down so I don't have to do

this fucking nostalgia night.

Prepare yourself,

it's not as big

a house as they thought.

The weather kept people home.

See the marquee?

It's like

Night of the Living Dead.

I should fire you for this.

Then you'll get a gray hair

in a place you thought

God would be nice enough

to just leave alone.

I'm liking menopause.

Makes me surly.

Jackie B.

Hey.

Jimmie Walker.

Jackie. Jackie Burke.

Man, thanks for coming.

I really appreciate it.

Thanks for having me.

Hey, look. Small crowd,

but they're very, very lively.

Well, you know,

I can play to one person.

Sometimes I play with myself.

Heh. Jackie.

It's a family audience.

- Good.

- You do one joke

about a gray snatch hair.

So you find the gray hair.

And then he said, " You know

you have to brush this on."

Which, oh, Quelle surprise,

I thought I'd just shake it up

pour it down

till it quit burning,

have a hot apple pie.

It's like I'm an addled girl.

He goes, "You have to sit there

with your legs apart

for a half hour."

"Sweetheart, I'm from Alabama,

how do you think we got

the fence painted?"

That's my proudest joke.

You're the best under fire!

We love you, Grace!

Miss Grace Under Fire,

Miss Brett Butler!

How you doing?

If I ever do one of these

again, shoot me.

Don't worry. I'll do us both

with one bullet.

We got a guy coming on now.

A legend, ladies and gentlemen.

Hickory Dickory Dock,

I got to roll back the clock.

That's right.

Because we are ready

to bring up a young man that

when he was on TV

there was no electricity.

When he was on TV, Little House

on the Prairie was just a shack

ladies and gentlemen.

He is devastating.

What am I getting for this gig?

You get a percentage

of the door.

So that's $11 and a burger.

Your commission's gonna be

a fucking pickle.

Sure. Like always.

The man that you know

from the hit sitcom

Eddie's Home.

Ladies and gentlemen,

let's put our hands together

for Eddie.

Arlene.

Eddie, look.

I carved a pumpkin.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

- Arlene, when son decides...

- We love your hair.

To dress up like a ballerina

it's no longer about

trick-or-treating.

Eddie, he's only 11 and a half.

Give him a chance to

find himself.

He needs to explore.

- Arlene. Arlene.

- Explore.

Arlene!

Mr. Jackie Burke

is in the house,

ladies and gentlemen.

You staying?

Yeah. I'll drive you home.

Jackie Burke is here.

Holy cow.

Eddie's home!

Give it up.

Give it up for

JJ "Dyno-fucking-mite" Walker.

He's the living proof that

black might not crack,

but it definitely decomposes.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

I know a lot of you are here

because you love Eddie. Yeah.

Well, I have bad news for you.

- Eddie died.

- Aw.

Yeah.

Yeah. He died a long time ago,

30 years ago

along with my career

and Brett Butler's eggs.

Oh.

Okay. Enough about me.

Let's talk about this

abortion of a town you live in.

Hicksville!

How did they ever come up

with a name like "Hicksville"?

I looked up "Hicksville"

on Wikipedia.

It said "inbreeding"

and "crystal meth."

So why don't you change

your name

to something more pleasant

like Somalia?

But don't worry, Hicksville.

When you grow up,

you, also, can change your name.

I changed my name.

I wasn't always "Jackie."

When I was born, my parents

named me, you know what? Jakov.

No!

Jakov Berkowitz.

Yeah. That's right.

It's that big, girls.

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