
The Comedian
- R
- Year:
- 2016
- 120 min
- $1,658,706
- 95 Views
1
Excuse me.
Excuse me?
I know you.
Don't I know you?
No.
Hey, hey, hold that door!
You cold? You need something
to warm you up?
No. You know what you can do,
you can burn this whole
down so I don't have to do
Prepare yourself,
it's not as big
a house as they thought.
See the marquee?
It's like
Night of the Living Dead.
I should fire you for this.
Then you'll get a gray hair
in a place you thought
God would be nice enough
to just leave alone.
I'm liking menopause.
Makes me surly.
Jackie B.
Hey.
Jimmie Walker.
Jackie. Jackie Burke.
Man, thanks for coming.
I really appreciate it.
Thanks for having me.
Hey, look. Small crowd,
but they're very, very lively.
Well, you know,
I can play to one person.
Sometimes I play with myself.
Heh. Jackie.
It's a family audience.
- Good.
- You do one joke
about a gray snatch hair.
So you find the gray hair.
And then he said, " You know
you have to brush this on."
Which, oh, Quelle surprise,
I thought I'd just shake it up
pour it down
till it quit burning,
have a hot apple pie.
It's like I'm an addled girl.
He goes, "You have to sit there
with your legs apart
for a half hour."
"Sweetheart, I'm from Alabama,
how do you think we got
the fence painted?"
That's my proudest joke.
You're the best under fire!
We love you, Grace!
Miss Brett Butler!
How you doing?
If I ever do one of these
again, shoot me.
Don't worry. I'll do us both
with one bullet.
We got a guy coming on now.
A legend, ladies and gentlemen.
Hickory Dickory Dock,
I got to roll back the clock.
That's right.
Because we are ready
when he was on TV
there was no electricity.
When he was on TV, Little House
on the Prairie was just a shack
ladies and gentlemen.
He is devastating.
What am I getting for this gig?
You get a percentage
of the door.
So that's $11 and a burger.
Your commission's gonna be
a fucking pickle.
Sure. Like always.
The man that you know
from the hit sitcom
Eddie's Home.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's put our hands together
for Eddie.
Arlene.
Eddie, look.
I carved a pumpkin.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
- Arlene, when son decides...
- We love your hair.
To dress up like a ballerina
it's no longer about
trick-or-treating.
Eddie, he's only 11 and a half.
Give him a chance to
find himself.
He needs to explore.
- Arlene. Arlene.
- Explore.
Arlene!
Mr. Jackie Burke
is in the house,
ladies and gentlemen.
You staying?
Yeah. I'll drive you home.
Jackie Burke is here.
Holy cow.
Eddie's home!
Give it up.
Give it up for
JJ "Dyno-fucking-mite" Walker.
black might not crack,
but it definitely decomposes.
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
I know a lot of you are here
because you love Eddie. Yeah.
Well, I have bad news for you.
- Eddie died.
- Aw.
Yeah.
Yeah. He died a long time ago,
30 years ago
along with my career
and Brett Butler's eggs.
Oh.
Let's talk about this
abortion of a town you live in.
Hicksville!
How did they ever come up
with a name like "Hicksville"?
I looked up "Hicksville"
on Wikipedia.
It said "inbreeding"
and "crystal meth."
So why don't you change
your name
to something more pleasant
like Somalia?
But don't worry, Hicksville.
When you grow up,
you, also, can change your name.
I changed my name.
I wasn't always "Jackie."
When I was born, my parents
named me, you know what? Jakov.
No!
Jakov Berkowitz.
Yeah. That's right.
It's that big, girls.
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"The Comedian" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 5 Mar. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_comedian_19953>.