The Big Sick

Keep it going

for the next performer,

my man, Mr. Kumail Nanjiani.

Hello.

Um, I'll tell you about myself.

I grew up in Pakistan.

And people are always

asking me, what was that like?

Really not that different

from here.

I mean, we played cricket,

which is just a spicier version

of baseball.

And we prayed a lot.

- Well, not a lot. Just five

times a day. -

and we marry someone

our parents find for us,

arranged marriage, you know?

But for me, it was probably

that we got

episodes of knight rider

a little bit later.

And by "little bit later,"

I mean we just got episode two.

- -But other than

that, it was exactly the same.

So, these are my real journals,

honestly.

And this is the woman

who wrote them.

- Poor gal.

Yeah. She-she has

no idea that, like,

giant titties

are about to sprout

and change her life

dramatically.

So, uh, thank you guys...

There's no bad crowds, dude,

only bad comedians.

You complain about

the crowd, like, all the time.

Yeah, like, that's when

they're really bad.

That's like 90% of the time

they're really bad?

Look, will you just watch

and give me notes tonight,

all right?

If we both give each other

notes, I think it helps.

Your notes are just,

add more fucks into the bit.

- That doesn't help anybody.

- Hey, f***, f***'s a funny word.

It's soft on the top

and it's hard on the end.

That was truly horrible.

- That was so bad.

- What happened?

- Just watch. -I'll watch.

I'll give you notes.

- All right. Thank you.

- Hey, that was great.

No, he didn't

even crack a smile.

- I thought I was gonna puke.

Oh. -Who?

Bob Dalavan.

Who's Bob Dalavan?

Bob Dalavan works for

the Montreal comedy festival,

you f***ing doof.

- He's here?

- Yes. Don't you want to get noticed?

- Don't you want to move to L.A.?

- Oh, my god.

Hang out

with Elijah wood and sh*t?

Nobody's on stage?

No.

He might've been doing cocaine.

Was he doing cocaine

recreationally?

True cokehead.

- Cokehead.

- I wonder if he was.

Now, before I bring out

the next guy,

you guys know tonight

is jell-o shot Tuesday!

And we all know what happens

after eight jell-o shots.

We urinate all over

ourselves and... puke.

Okay, so I'm gonna

bring up the next comic.

- Confidence. Poise.

- You know this man...

- Give it up for Mr. Chris Jones!

- Smile.

- Chris!

- He's like if a serial killer

f***ed an inspirational speaker.

He's like Daniel day-Lewis,

except he sucks.

I've tried his warm-up.

- It does not work for me.

- So unsettling.

Just bought a laser printer.

Printed out, like,

six lasers so far.

- Maybe.

- Hey, Dodd.

Uh, Dalavan's

in the crowd tonight.

- Can I do ten?

- No, five minutes.

- You know the deal.

- Come on, man.

You put out chairs,

you do five minutes.

I'll double it up next time.

Come on.

What are you gonna do in there?

- I'm making up next week's schedule.

- Okay, cool.

I was in bed with my girlfriend

and I was trying to mansplain

to her that, you know,

we-we are on one little rock

orbiting one star in a galaxy

of a billion stars in a universe

full of a billion galaxies.

You know, so I forgot

your birthday.

- Who gives a sh*t?

Like, you are cosmically

overreacting to this.

Honestly, you are being

super selfish.

You're right,

but you're selfish.

Hey.

Have you guys heard of this

drug cocktail called cheese?

Uh, I saw these news reports,

so I looked up what cheese is,

and cheese is a mixture.

Cheese is Tylenol pm and heroin.

So, really, it's heroin.

Heroin's doing

the heavy lifting.

Just do the heroin.

It's very powerful.

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