The Babysitter Page #3

Do you want me to put it back?

[Dad] No. I'm gonna put this

in the dishwasher,

'cause it's coated in my sweat and fear.

My parents are going away again.

I think they go to have sex,

but it just makes me feel like they go

to get away from me.

They're definitely having sex.

They probably have sex

when you're home, too.

Besides, I bet Bee has boys over

at your place all the time doing it.

Nope. No.

No way. Not a chance.

Yeah. That's what babysitters do.

They put the kids down,

sneak their boyfriends in. Doing it.

Seriously, have you ever been awake

after she's fallen asleep?

I dare you to stay up tonight. You'll see.

I'm gonna find out.

-Perv.

-No! I'm choking!

-[Melanie laughing]

-[Cole shouting]

[boy] P*ssy!

[school bell rings]

Honey, not that I'm rushing you,

but weren't we supposed to leave at five?

[Mom] No, honey,

5:
30 to avoid holiday traffic.

We were supposed to leave at five.

Don't move the furniture around.

We just did the floors.

-I don't want your mom yelling.

-[Cole] Got it.

I don't yell at you.

I just speak in all caps.

Right. That's what I love about her.

-[doorbell rings]

-Here. Get that. It's probably Bee.

[Cole] Okay.

-[Mom] Can you hurry up?

-[Dad] Yes.

[exhales deeply]

-What up, Cee?

-What up, Bee?

[both buzzing]

-[Mom] Hey, Bee. How are you?

-Oh, you know, can't complain.

-[Mom] Good.

-Where to this weekend?

-Uh... The Hyatt. Living large.

-Mm!

[Dad] Can't find it!

Uh, try the bottom drawer

under your Invisalign.

Um, anyway, you know the drill.

No violent movies,

no junk food, bed by ten.

-[Cole] Mom.

-Bed by 10:
30?

-[Cole] You serious?

-[Bee] Anything else?

Uh, there is not a bathing suit

in that bedroom.

[Mom] Then, honey,

I don't know what to tell you.

-I'm not up there.

-[Dad] Okay.

[sighs]

-He's totally gonna bring his jean shorts.

-[Cole] Mom, he calls them jorts.

-Well, we'll be fine. I can handle him.

-I know. You're the best.

-[Dad] I'm bringing my jorts.

-[Mom] I knew it!

-[Dad] I'm bringing my jorts.

-I knew it. Great.

I will be the envy of women everywhere.

Hey, uh, Bee,

call us if there's any trouble, okay?

-Cole, don't cause any trouble.

-[Cole] Dad, I know.

You know what, honey?

-You got your flu shot, so no exertion.

-[Cole] Mom.

-Yeah, no running around. Board games.

-[Cole] Got it. Okay?

Hey, Cole, remember,

you're the man of the house now.

That's sweet. You are.

-We love you. Bye, Bee.

-I love you. Have fun.

-[Dad] But not too much fun.

-[Mom] Not too much.

[Foghat's

"I Just Want to Make Love to You" playing]

I don't want you cook my bread

I don't want you make my bed

I don't want you to be true

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