The Adventures Of Dean White (Final Draft/5th Draft 3/22/2020) Page #3

Bruce:
How do you know that?

Wick:
Well, Target dropped selling our books, K-Mart is sizing down their book selection, Kroger is forcing us to censor them, so we wouldn’t be able to sell this, and Walmart would force us to call it If It Was Up Your Oversized Cheeks With Brown Sh*t In Them You Would Know, because that is the censored name.

Bruce:
You just said Sh*t in the title!

Wick:
Well, F***ing sh*t, What do you want me to say?!

Bruce:
I don’t know, that you’ll f***ing sell my novel!

Wick:
Well, I’m having to reject it, and why did it randomly become an erotica in the last few chapters, even though it was a Christian Zombie novel?

Bruce:
It was a romance.

Wick:
Between a man and a duck that was somehow his mom?! What the f*** is wrong in your sadistic f***ing head?!

Bruce coughs.

Bruce (getting up and running): KEEP THE F***ING BOOK! IT’LL BE A BEST SELLER ONE DAY!

Wick (laughing):
Whatever the f*** you say.

We cut to 3 years later, Dean is at a store, with his cat, Vic, who is clawing on a can of dog food, A book stand with the book If It Was Up Your Ass You’d Know, an erotica with zombies, is there.

Dean:
Quit it, girly!

Vic:
I’m hungry.

Dean:
Well, Don’t eat cake with chemicals in it please, When you did that 2 months ago, You suddenly got a voice.

Vic:
I’m only three.

Dean:
Well, yeah. Three months!

Vic:
Meow, Meow, meow.

Dean:
Ugh, F*** this.

Vic:
How?

Dean:
Well, You stick your dick in it--

Vic:
I’m a female cat.

Dean:
What the hell do you want from me, woman?

Dean proceeds to a register.

Bill (cashier):
So, The usual?

Dean:
6 cans of cat food, and 2 tuna packets?

Bill:
For the cat?

Dean:
Yes. Mom told me to go get the cat some food. It picked out what it wanted--

Vic:
I didn’t want regular tuna.

Dean:
Well, The others would have killed you.

Vic:
No, they wouldn’t.

Bill:
Don’t you find it odd how you have a literal talking cat?

Dean:
Well, No to be honest. Once you go through high school, Nothing seems as odd as it would have back in 8th grade.

Bill:
Hahahahahaha-- F*** you.

Dean:
So, How’s the leg?

Bill:
Well, You asked that 2 days ago, when you were here for Green tea. It is still broken. 3 days now.

Willy, the grocery bagger, bags the stuff, and while Dean and Bill are talking, He tells them that he is going on his lunch break.

Bill:
How am I supposed to carry the bags?

Willy:
I don’t know, F*** you I guess.

Bill and Dean walk out with the cat on Dean’s shoulder, and as they are walking, A van runs into Bill.

Bill:
F***! MY LEG!

Dave jumps out of the van.

Dave:
Oh my god! Sir, are you okay?

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