Telling the Story of Us Page #2

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But the problem in a marriage is...

...if one person is always Harold,

drawing the world the way they want...

...the other person has no choice

but to draw it the way it is.

Which is why they never wrote a book

about Harold's wife.

-They're leaving!

-They're not!

Grab your bags!

Wait! Wait!

Hold it!

Two more coming!

-Thank you, Marty.

-No problem.

I love you.

Have a great time.

-All right, kid.

-Bye, Dad.

-Take your sister's bag.

-Have a great time.

Love you.

-I love you.

-I love you.

If you need me for anything,

I'll be at the Oceana.

Anything comes up with the kids,

give me a call.

Of course.

Isn't this the moment

where one of us says:

"This is ridiculous.

We love each other.

All couples go through this.

Let's give it another try"?

My ass was on television this morning.

What are you telling us?

I'm telling you,

my ass was on TV.

That's right. That was that special.

"The Kennedy Center Salutes

I went to the doctor, he took a tube

with a little camera on it...

...stuck it up my ass and we

watched it on a monitor in his office.

-You had a sigmoidoscopy.

-Exactly.

That's different

than your ass being on TV.

-How?

-First of all...

...a network can't cancel your ass.

Point well taken.

What demographics

do you hope to knock down...

...with that big crack

winking at you?

We're in public. Can we

elevate the level of conversation?

-Fine with me.

-Good.

I jerked off to your secretary.

Do you mind?

-Why should I mind?

-I don't know.

I wanna forge ahead

with a clear conscience.

Pound away.

You're a good friend.

Larry wanted to have sex last night.

He even gave me the 30-second massage.

You mean the "I really care

that you had a bad day" back rub...

...that stops just before you relax...

...then quickly heads south

towards the promised land?

So did you make love?

-I was too tired.

-How'd you get out of it?

I pretended to fall asleep

during the massage.

I did that heavy breathing thing.

So he thinks you're in deep REM?

But it backfired,

because when I really fell asleep...

...the baby started crying,

then Larry pretended he was asleep.

Fool! lf he had just gotten up

with the baby, you would've...

...opened the gates and welcomed

the troops home for Christmas.

In a heartbeat.

What's up with you and Charlene?

Oh, we had a great night last night.

And you still claim

you're not cheating?

I maintain that

with every fiber of my being.

On-line sex isn't cheating.

How do you figure?

It's 3 a.m., your wife and kids

are sleeping upstairs...

...and you're downstairs

f***ing some bimbo in cyberspace.

First of all, we're not f***ing.

We're typing.

Second, and this is me

taking umbrage...

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